Tantrum

12/30/2013

I believe that I am improving in recognizing those days where Anxiety or Temper are getting the best of me, or will.  This time, my wife saw it before I did.

My 3 yr old wakes up fairly early yesterday AM.  I get up, fire up the tv and Wii, and she decides she wants to go back and snuggle with her mommy, then changes her mind to go back to her room to snuggle with her oldest sister.  Leaving me with the Wii and about 6 hrs of sleep.  Technically, I'm still a college student... so this should be something I can handle, right?  WRONG!  This particular game is a bit sensitive in the controls, and this causes me to die.  Over and over again.  I start getting frustrated.  As the morning progresses, my kids get up and start their morning rituals of random coloring, reading, and watching whatever's on the TV.  Then my wife gets up, and by now I'm raging at the game.

Call Dropped

For those who did not already know, I work in a call center.  Which means I get calls from the nicest people, and the not-so-nicest people.  Sometimes, ADHD serves me better than I could hope, at the most unexpected times.

I got a call earlier today from a man who wasn't too happy with the service he had been receiving.  He gave me his information and I looking up his file.  Meanwhile, he begins his story.  The first individual he worked with was rude and did not take his situation seriously.  He had called afterward requesting someone else take a look, anyone but that guy.  Guess who he's talking to next?  Yep.  That guy he didn't want anything to do with.  So this customer is going on and on about his situation (for about 15 min) while I say nothing.  In fact, I completely spaced out.  In my mind, I had taken advantage of a pause in the call to advise him politely that I completely understood his concerns, but that I am not the person he needs to speak to, and that I would have a manager give him a call when they get back in the office.  He then began his story all over again (as they often do) at which point I interrupted and stated that I'd rather not waste his time by continuing on this path which I was unable to assist with.

Religion and ADHD

Loaded Topic?  Sure.  I'm hoping to get some discussion going with this on, either on Google+ and/or Facebook.  Notice I said religion, and not spirituality.  What's the difference?  I suppose it depends on who you ask.  For the sake of discussion, lets say Spirituality is your belief of a higher power.  This could be your Higher Power in NA/AA, God, Allah, Thor, Superman, AOL... it yours to have and understand as you will. For some, there is no higher power per se, just life to live how one chooses.  All of these are acceptable and work for this discussion.  Religion, on the other hand, while still being your will, is more organized, and we'll consider it to be a provided method, in a somewhat controlled environment, with which you learn about and your higher power and support/practice your beliefs.  I know this may be a bit unorthodox (no pun intended...) given our definition of higher power, but work with me.

I have heard many (And certainly not all) arguments for and against "organized religion."  It's too controlling, it's not controlling enough.  It's not completely in line with my beliefs.  There's nothing out there that I agree with 100%.  I don't believe in God.  Religion is to commercialized...  There are a lot of reasons to challenge the idea of Church, Tent, Prayer, and anything organized.

A weekend of Accomplishment

          I've said before that I want to endeavor to be more selfless, and more supportive, at home.  This weekend was a huge success at that.  My wife had a rough week last week, and thankfully had the entire weekend off.  We stayed home all weekend, watching movies with the kids and relaxing.  I engaged the kids more, playing Just Dance with my 6 yr old, reading to my 3 yr old, and doing other all around childish things with them.  I made dinner both nights, washed ALL the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed... without asking or expecting help from anyone.  These were all things I needed to do or wanted done, so I took it upon myself to do them, from playing with the kids to cleaning up the house.  It wasn't easy.  There were times where I almost reverted back to being put off that everyone was just being lazy while I was doing all the work, but I told myself these are thing that I had wanted done (dishes, laundry, etc), so I shouldn't expect my wife and kids to drop what THEY are doing just because of what I want.  I did what I felt should be done, and felt accomplished having done it without being a jerk about it.
My wife got to relax.  she didn't have to make dinner at all (she did make lunch on Saturday, and it was delicious), she didn't have to pick up after the kids (that is one thing I did make them do); heck, she didn't even have to get out of her PJ's!  I did that for her.  I was proud of myself, and she was thankful, which made me feel appreciated.  All in all, it was totally worth going the extra mile to get things done myself.  I think I will be able to make a habit of it ;)

road rage

I'm driving down the highway the other night, after a somewhat stressful day at work. I see a driver in the far left lane, driving just slower than the traffic around him.  As a car tries to pass him and merge, he speeds up.  They make it around him anyway, so he turns his high-beams on.  I see him do this to a few poeple before finally getting out of the fast lane (where he continues to drive like an ass in the middle lane).  I eventually pass him myself, without incident, and end up just in front of him as we take the same exit a few miles down the road.  He seems to drive normally (as I passed on the highway, I noted he was an older man, maybe mid to late 60's), not like some older people, who tend to drive somewhat slowly on this country road we are on.  We stop at a light.  It turns green.  I start to go through the intersection when an oncoming car decides to run the red arrow and cut me off to get through the intersection.  WTF.  I proceed to drive after this, but the guy from the highway decides I did something wrong, and after only about 1/4 mi, turns his brights on and proceeds to attempt to crawl into my exhaust, exiting to a turn lane just before hitting me.

For the Love of Music

Music.  It's everywhere.  The language of the world.  There is a time and a place for music.  For me, it's anytime, any place.  And I listen to everything.  I'm listening to music right now. Killswitch engage: The End of Heartache.  When I'm feeling hyper and rebellious, it's ICP, Twiztid, Korn, Avenged Sevenfold, Rob Zombie... the list goes on, but you get the idea.  When I'm doing housework, it's classic rock, from Kansas to ACDC, and of course one of my favorites: KISS.  Dinner time is usually a little more mellow, Santana, Gypsy Kings, anything with Spanish Guitar, as well as the Eagles.  Some people tell my that if they couldn't tell by just knowing me, my shuffle shouts ADHD.  My favorites include KISS, Less Than Jake, Metallica, Korn, NOFX, Aerosmith, Static X, Busta Rhymes, TOOL and Ludacris.  I really enjoy listening to ICP and Twiztid as well, but that's an acquired taste lol.  Regardless of the mood, I have the music to match it.  When I have school work or projects at work, the hard rock comes out and the determination and motivation to get things done is unleashed!  I had a hard time in high school with some of my classes until I discovered that Metallica and Apocalyptica really meshed well with my thoughts and provided just the right amount of stimulation to stay focused.  When I had a paper route, and had to drive and deliver for anywhere from 4 hours to 6 hours in the early AM, music kept me awake.  I had an iPod classic, 32g I believe, and it was full.  Almost 6k songs. Pantera: Walk. So that's my stand on music in general.

What to do...

Do you ever have those days where you have something you want to do, but just don’t get to it for all the distractions the day throws your way?  This blog was going to be about Music and the vital role it plays in the day to day for me, but that will have to wait until tomorrow.  Otherwise I will forget about this LOL.

When it gets slow, I tend to pass the time watching a few programs on TV.  I did so this morning, planning on writing the blog entry afterwards.  I knew I should stop and write, but when the next show came up, I found myself watching it.  I read earlier today that many with ADHD have a hard time saying no.  I also have found I have a hard time doing what I should, when there is something I’d rather do, especially if it requires less energy.  Dishes pile up, laundry is left unfolded.  This is something that I’ve recently decided I would endeavor to work passed.  And yet here I am, the morning is gone, it’s after 5pm, and I’m just getting to it.  This isn’t how I intended to spend my day, and yet still I could not stop what I was doing.  Even now I have pretty much lost interest in what I’m trying to write and have to force myself to continue.  This is something that’s been an issue for me as long as I can remember, but I’ve never really made a conscious effort do overcome it.  I find myself at a bit of a loss, as I’ve resolved to stay away from medication.  My efforts to make other changes to my life to be healthier have not worked out so well either.  I always decide to sleep in and eat fast.  I will continue to endeavor, but I am afraid of the outcome.  Win or lose, this should be an epic battle to gain control over myself.  I’m sure some of it will be blogworthy…

Kitchen adventures

Just another unplanned ADHD adventure.  Something you typically don't want to have in the kitchen.

Today my wife had work to do so I was in charge.  We played ALL DAY.  My younger two and I played Candyland (with the older of them pulling all the cards and moving all the pieces, yet magically never winning herself) and otherwise occupied ourselves with video games (not something we do regularly... well not something they do regularly) until it was time to get dinner ready.  I planned it all out: pan fried pork chops, with sweet potatoes (from the box... not my usual cup of tea) and butterhorn rolls.  The rolls of course would take the longest, with prep and bake time, so I started those first.  I was really proud of myself, having a sink full of hot soapy water for dishes to go into as soon as I was done with them, knowing what I was going to make and when to start it.  I just managed to miss one key detail: the dough for the rolls has to rise for 60 min.  Well crap.
     So, 1 hr 35 min later (give or take), as we've just finished eating the chops and the potatoes, the first of 2 batches of rolls was just coming out of the oven.  They were delicious.  Even the most well planned dinner can turn out a little ...off, but that's ok.  Enjoy the rolls and the fact the kitchen is clean almost immediately after dinner.  That's what I did.

Triggers: an Epiphany

I made a breakthrough realization yesterday. 

So here I am, getting annoyed with my wife.  She's acting out of sorts and of course I'm just laying there in bed last night dwelling on it.  Then I realized, I was acting the same way she was.  Huffing and puffing and being antisocial.  So this is how I realized that she was having a bad day, by how frustrated I was getting.  There are few things I dislike more than my wife's unhappiness.  I think, subconsciously I've always gotten defensive about it.  Now I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking back on all the times we get into arguments.  It usually starts with one of us being in a bad mood, and the other taking it personally.  ESPECIALLY ME. 

What I wouldn't give to be that husband who is always calming.  That husband who is the rock of the family.  kids respect him, wife depends on him and appreciates him, because he is constantly showing his appreciation for her.  We all know that perfect husband image: never gets mad, always puts the needs of his wife and kids before his own, breaks everything he tries to fix.  I don't fix enough things to screw up on that end...

Living at Home: Moving in with Mom ...ANNNDD Moving Back Out

I asked my mom for her input on what it was like having me move in with her as an adult.  Keep in mind, this was about 8 years ago, and only a glimpse at my relationship with her.  Things did not work out for us in this instance, however we are still close and I consider her one of my best friends.  Let me further preface this with the fact that communication had been lacking in our household most of my life, constantly being a source of destruction in its absence.

She began her account with high school.  She remembers things much differently than I do, which of course is because of our lack of communication at that time.  She relates her difficulty in watching me stumble and eventually fall in my steps toward graduation and ultimately college.  This also reflects my family’s high expectations of me in school.  Now, granted, I have already written about how my studies, etc. suffered in high school, however I still graduated with a cumulative B average, and tested out of math in my college entrance exams.  How many parents out there would see this as falling?  However, I think she is referring to what I have referred to in the past: the difficulty of staying on track, and the failings in focus and attendance in school.  It is also during this time that she and my dad divorced and she moved out.  So the difficulties I had, and the difficulties of living with me during this time, were her last memories of having me in the household.

  Now, fast forward almost 6 years.