the absent-minded poet

Some times, the weirdest things come to mind...  I shared this today in a group online...

I am 34. aged to perfection.
Bacon does NOT give me an erection
Selfies are not a thing that I do,
and I get obsessive when talking 'bout poo.
Poetry's nice, I think mine's quite simple,
It pops into my mind like the puss from a pimple.
I write a blog and it's all about me
and my battle ongoing with ADHD
I love to eat bacon, drink liquor, and run
though not in that order... that wouldn't be fun
to run full of bacon would sicken me so
Bacon, post-run, is delightful though.
so I'm young, and I'm bald, I'm a father of 3
I'd type so much more, but I really must pee.


you know, when I was in high school, I actually wrote a lot of poetry.  Some of it was really lame.  some was disturbing, and some was pretty decent.  I've always been good with rhymes.  These days I put it out there fairly regularly that I love Bacon.  There's been this rash of posts in this particular group about guessing people's age, which I just don't understand.  Then this poem just came to me. one line at a time.  In the middle of perusing the ADHD facebook group and watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. 

Poetry was a good outlet for me.  Anything driven by emotion or confusion or just being downright silly is good for the ADHD mind.  We so often have a habit of saying too much, too soon.  The more we get that out of our system on our own, the better equipped we are to say the right thing, or to keep quiet when necessary.  It could also be great practice for witty conversations and comedy stand-up...

To me, the funniest thing about this poem is I won't be 34 for another month LOL

Baconlove

Rub Some Bacon on It: http://youtu.be/wSReSGe200A

One thing that, when you get to know me, is abundantly clear: I love bacon.  We all have something abnormal we almost obsess over, and for me that's bacon.  I have a bacon calendar on my desk at work, I have bacon flavored lip balm, bacon flavored floss, even a bacon air freshener in my car.  I share videos and memes about bacon, and do my part is spreading the word about the bacon revolution.

I know it's rediculous.  and in reality, I don't eat a whole lot of bacon (because then I'd get sick of it),  but it is great in everything as the primary ingredient (bacon and eggs, bacon pancakes, etc) or as a condiment or added flavor for salad or meatloaf or ice cream or anything edible. 

ADHD comes with the ability to hyperfocus, though we often don't realize it.  Even been able to read an 1100 page book front to back, before realizing you just spent about 13 hrs straight reading?  I've done that, and at the time had never heard the term hyperfocus.  Think about the things you are crazy about.  Toe socks? Bacon? Pizza?  Beer?  My daughter has a pencil collection, I have a rock collection and a shell collection.  Even our collecting hobbies can be reinforced by our ADHD, and can help treat it!  I digress...

Bacon.

Studies have shown bacon to provide therapy for many things from anxiety to PMS, and supports healthy pregnancy.  Bacon is a well known hangover remedy, as well as a cure for the common headache. 

go eat bacon, and experience a little piece of my world...

A Friend Worth Sharing my Bacon With

What does it mean to be a friend in 2014?  What does it mean to lose a friend?  to gain a friend?  Friendships can be a bitch to maintain these days.  First of all, people have to move where the work is.  Location is a huge factor in maintaining friendship.  Then, of course, none of us have money to actually go out and do things.  Lastly, technology has made us socially ignorant when outside the virtual world.  Now add ADHD.  What needs to be done to actually spend quality time with friends?  Well there's scheduling, remembering...  9 times out of 10, when I see an invite to an event or get a call to do something, I have to decline.  I'm either working, have something to do with the family, or I just don't have the money to come.  I care about my friends, but I hang out with my friends so rarely that I often feel awkward or "out of the loop."

 A perfect example (and really what inspired me to write this entry) was a recent wedding.

Dating and ADHD

How have I not touched on this?  Ever?

Dating with ADHD can be SUPER tough, or super easy, depending on how your life so far has affected your confidence and your social abilities.  I sucked.  I ruined a lot of friendships and relationships for the simple reason that I had no idea what I was doing.  I had no idea that hanging out with a girl would lead my girlfriend to think I was cheating.  I had no idea that when I started dating one of my best friends, I'd have to kiss her (regularly).  Then I grew up a little (or not at all LOL) and discoverred that even though I now knew these things, I could still not control myself enough to have a meaningful relationship.  I honestly wish I had learned what I know now when I was like, 11, so I wouldn't have spoiled so many opportunities as a teenager to actually have an enjoyable relationship.  I was drawn to people who were drawn to me.  Either those who were a bit socially awkward like myself, or complete narcissists who need the attention they got from a People Pleaser. The latter could never understand why I suddenly lost interest and accused me of not caring (which, at that point, was accurate).  The former expected who-knows-what from me and I didn't provide it, because neither of us ever knew how to talk to each other.  I'm glad my wife is awesome and we're married, because if I had to get back into the dating world these days, I wouldn't survive LOL.

My advice, based completely on my own experiences and probably not nearly applicable in anyone else's circumstances: Date often,  don't force it and don't go professing your love for the first boy or girl who gives you the time of day (otherwise everyone after becomes the new "love of your life" and you never get to learn what love is).  Relax and have a good time.  Don't be afraid to hold hand or give a kiss, and don't feel obligated to go any further than you're comfortable.  It should be a learning experience until your 20's (it WILL be a learning experience at least that long.  I'm 33 and still learning!)


On the flipside of things, if you are dating or married to someone with ADHD, understand their emotions and thought processes ARE NOT the same as yours (even if you have ADHD also) and remember that your relationship should- and hopefully will- be an enjoyable adventure from start to finish.  If it turns into a "Wrong Turn" kind of adventure, don't just let it be.  Fix it, and fix it together.  This can be done.  I've done it.  It's not easy, but knowing that ADHD relationships are high maintenance from the start will help you get through.  Communication is key.  Therapy may be needed.  You may experience a desire to throw away all the laundry that keeps piling up (and you're welcome to it, I hate laundry).  You may need time away (I call this "going fishing").  Don't be afraid.  Tough it out whenever possible, because afterward a successful relationship is all the more appreciated for the work you put into it.


Lastly,  Remember that there is ADHD involved.  Address your relationships just like you would anything else in your ADHD life.  Talk to your therapist, friends, or parents if that's what you do.  Be open and honest.  Do NOT judge. 

you'll be alright.

Finally (yes I just did that) remember that bacon will always be common ground for you to rebuild on.

To Fail at Sky Diving

How many of you are country fans?  Ever hear the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw?  Inspiring, right?  Wrong.  Nightmares. 

Many people with ADHD deal with depression and/or a heightened imagination.  Dreams of violence, suicide, etc. can put us on the edge or make us wonder if we don't have some deep down violent tendencies.  I just have the nightmares.  Waking nightmares.   The other day I was listeing to this song, and thinking about what it would be like to go skydiving.  My dad just had a heart attack a month or so ago, and of course, this reiterated the mortal fear in me.  So here I was, kind of daydreaming about going Skydiving with my dad.  The cargo/jump door opened, and I without my chute got sucked out, as my dad hopelessly watched his only son fall away.  As I came out of the daymare, I was left with the sense of him jumping after me, chute on his back and an extra in his hand... but did he reach me?  I'm willing to bet my dad would jump out of a plane if he though he could save me.  Did he reach me?  Of course now I'm thinking of myself and if I were in his shoes and it were one of my daughters.  The images are so vivid I could scream. 

This has recently come up in conversation in one of the groups I regularly participate in online.  An individual had been having violent or depressing dreams, and was wondering if, deep down, she was suicidal.  I won't go into further detail but it made me realize I am not alone with the mightmares and the morbid imagination.  It was interesting to see the comments on that thread.  They were so supportive.  The general consensus was there that if she truly believed she was capable of self harm or harm to others, to seek professional advice.  However, beyond that, there was support.  "You aren't alone, I have those dreams too" kind of comments.  I shared some of my nightmares, daymares, and fears as did others, and I feel like we all kinda changed her thoughts from "What if I'm suicidal?" to "These are the things I fear the most."  When we fear something so strongly, we are not likely to act it out, but rather shy away from it in the waking world. 

My nightmares are almost always about witnessing the violent death of my loved ones, or falling to my own death.  When I even have the slightest thought of harm coming to my kids, I can't bear to look at them, because I see it all over again.  I often wonder why I can't imagine nice things.  Anxiety maybe?

So, here I am in my ADHD mind wondering where I'm going with this, and really, it all boils down to two things.

Assume the best about yourself, not the worst; surround yourself with people who will motivate and relate.

You are not alone.  Whether it's finding something so wonderful it's almost addicting (like Pink Floyd Music) or so awful you wake up screaming, there's someone out there who can relate. 

Inspiration.

I realize that ADHD does not affect us all the same way.  Some people who read this face far more challenges than I do.  And some less.  Some of you may read my posts and think "This guy's nuts."

That may or may not be true.

Yet others may read this and think, "Man, I wish I had his problems." 

I try to write about the good and the bad that happens in my life.  One thing that remains consistent is why.  I write because there are those who are worse off who can't express their needs and frustrations.  I write to provide perspective to those who might not otherwise understand.  For those of you who struggle with OCD, Depression, Autism, and other spectrums, disorders, personalities, and/or handicaps: I love you all.  I write for you.  You are my heroes.  My inspiration.  I am able to joke about my ADHD, and do so gladly.  However, don't think for a minute that I don't take it seriously at the same time.  If my life is ever bad, there's someone out there who has it ten times worse.

I grew up as a runner, with a runner as a father.  When I would feel a little bleh about things, he'd notice.  We'd be driving and he'd see a homeless person walking down the street with Cerebral Palsy or some similar affliction (This specific example actually happened) and he point them out to me.  He'd say "Son, that's why we run.  We do it for the people who can't."  Thus he taught me that there are always people worse off, fighting a harder battle. 

So for those with similar issues to mine, and those without, remember this the next time you need motivation, inspiration, or if you just need to know you're worth it.  Someone else has it worse, and they are still living day to day like it matters.  Because it does.  Regardless of who you are, or what your superpower is, you matter.  Do not get down on yourself for the cards you're dealt.  Find something you can do, and do it for those who can't.  And for those who can't describe their ADHD, can't deal with their ADHD and Aspie child, know that I gladly represent you and recognize your battle, which in and of itself makes you a stronger person than I.

To the rest of you, please appreciate the situation of others and remember you may not know what they go through.  Rather than being judgy, be inspired.

Kudos to a great friend in the ADHD community

You may have seen this posted before, however it was terribly put together and I feel it did not do the subject justice.  Please give it another chance, and I highly recommend you follow the links...

Credit for all links, photos, and quotes goes to Tom Nardone.  Just sayin.


Once there was a man named Tom Nardone.  In fact, more than once, as there is still a man named Tom Nardone.  Well Shit, what a great start.  But this is how I role, and Tom Nardone would say "F!#* it, you're awesome!"  So I'll continue.  Tom is one of my favorite people. A Wise Man, is he, who finds the awesome in everything.  This particular man has a loving relationship with a chair, brings pizza to job interviews, and kills lawns like a champ.  My hero.  I know now, because of Tom, that my reality is true that Call of Duty take precedence over just about anything that tries to interrupt it.  I take solace in that.

His Wife, Yvonne, calls him a Bloggernaut.  This man is relentless in sharing his wealth of knowledge, and isn't afraid to admit it.  Yet, he's also not trying to hog the spotlight.  He willing helps others with blogs and personal issues, not discriminating.  His poetry is worth a read as well, and is at par with the rest of his blogs.  Most importantly, however, Tom Nardone is a man with a realistic interpretation of the ADHD Blogworld.

To hell with the world's most interesting man.  Tom Nardone is the world's most awesome man. Even so, he goes out of his way to promote his peers almost as much as he promotes himself.  Though I consider myself to be fairly mediocre as far as bloggers go, this is how Tom sees me:



Most importantly, he provides an accurate detail of the value of the crap in our lives. When you read his blog about used things being the best things, you'll see that he is so right.  I have been screwed by my house, and by my car...

Vacation blues

What you want from a vacation is not always what you get.   Family reunions, especially.  There are always those favorite relatives who couldn't make it.  That crazy aunt or uncle who drives everyone nuts (or is the life of the party).  One thing I've always loved, however, is the break from reality.  Drink a little more, eat a little worse, stay up a little later.

Not anymore.   This vacation, those last three things are getting cut short.  I suffer from tension headaches, and after regulating my sleep and diet for several months, I have found that I cannot simply stop and let loose just for a vacation.  Right now I'm typing this in bed on my smart phone because laying down equalizes my blood flow and relieves some of the tension in my head.  I can also work out or run l, allowing the endorphins to sort me out.  I plan to after this post.  The only other thing that works is Excedrine Tension Headache, or it's name brand equivalent.  This speaks volumes to the need, especially for someone with ADHD, to maintain a healthy balance of food, exercise,  and rest.  The problems we have without a healthy routine are not always just enhanced ADHD symptoms, but also physical symptoms.  So I will be ending this now with a question and a thought.

Thought: the hardest part about getting in shape and developing a healthy routine is the actual development.   Once you get started, your body will tell you when you get too far off track a lot of the time.

Question: does anyone else out there suffer from tension headaches or other  physical symptoms, and how do you link it to ADHD, if at all?

Tantrum: Revisited

Those of you who are not new readers know I have an internal nemesis named Tantrum.  For the newbies out there, I'll break it down real quick like.  Ever have those days where one thing after another goes wrong and you get so angry you start to take it out on everything and everyone around you?  Yes, well, maybe not.  Anyhow, I do, and I call this phenomenon Tantrum.  I find Tantrum is easier to combat when personified.

Tantrum struck hard this weekend.  I can't really go into the details, unfortunately, as I feel obligated to respect the privacy of those I was with this weekend who might read this and find it otherwise distasteful.  I digress...

tantrum struck hard.  I was not at home.  I had no "go-to" sanctuary to calm my mind and fight the battle.  so I fought Tantrum, in the open, in my mind, and fought so hard I was in tears for hours.  You might ask me "Andrew, why would you put yourself through this?"

Glad you asked.

ADHD is all in the mind.

Literally.  It's not made up, but it all takes place in the mind.  Mental health is just as important as physical health.
In the shadow of one of the most difficult days since I began this blog (meaning difficulties that are ADHD related) I am updating the blog with my work on becoming a healthier person. 

In recent days and weeks, I've battled to maintain a healthy diet.  I'd say I've done fairly well for the most part.  I've stopped losing weight, which is ok, because my clothes are still fitting more and more loosely, and my energy levels are better, so I know I'm still on the right path.  However, my mental health, as seen in my last blog, has been suffering a bit.  So now, along with eating well and trying to get out a few days a week and get some exercise, I'm going to start incorporating a little self awareness and meditation into my daily routine.  Just sitting quietly and listening to everything going on around me is like that first stretch in the morning.  All the muscles wake up, there's a big yawn, and I'm good to go.  I sit, lay, stand, whatever, and just listen to everything going on around me.  I can focus on anything and everything and just listen.  Then I turn that attention inward.  How am I feeling?  what aches?  Am I hungry?  Thirsty?  What's good for breakfast today?  just 5 or 10 minutes a day is enough, first thing in the morning, or at lunchtime at work, or even right before bed (great for getting to sleep)  Any thoughts or dreams, write them down.  Maybe blog about them :)

so you may see a few more abstract blog topics in weeks to come.  I'm on vacation next week, and doubt I'll be on the internet much, if at all.  If I am, it's probably just to upload photos.  Just as a break in your day is a good thing, to recharge your mind and keep a positive mental attitude; a vacation works just the same way, and everyone should take them!

Basket case

Anyone who's taken a break from their meds will get this...


I recently experienced a life-altering event.  I'm not sure why it's still affecting me, since it's over with, and life has gone on with no injury, torment, sadness, or any other insanity which would cause me duress.  Yet here I am, still unable to function.  It's started affecting my work life.  My blogging.  This morning I wrote and rewrote a blog 3 times, each time less cohesive than the last.  I am second guessing myself constantly.  I do not have the time or money to undergo any non-med treatment, and so it may come down to a decision to take up the ritalin coat of arms once more.


Essentially I feel like I did when I first tried to stop taking meds for my ADHD.  I attempted to quit cold turkey, and the effects were immense.  Concentrate?  What's that?  Focus?  yeah, right...

That's where I am now.  Luckily, I have well developed habits to get through the day.  Even so, I feel like I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth.  I have reverted back to focusing on people's lack of understanding my thought process.  I have created discussions and arguments where none were needed.  Much like the depression that sets in during the winter months, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. 

Of course I can maintain a facade.  I can act like everything's good.  Those who really have an "in" to my behaviours, however, know the truth.  My manager is one, for sure.  I've been making stupid mistakes regarding processes I've been doing since I started working here.  Mistakes that have no excuse. I'm mixing up my kids' names (more than usual), forgetting what I was saying mid sentence, and spacing out in the middle of conversations.  It's like I'm re-experiencing ADHD for the first time.  And it's exhausting.  It doesn't help that I've been depriving myself of sleep.  Luckily I've been eating fairly well, however I have reintroduced an unhealthy amount of sugar into my diet.  I still get a great balance of everything else I should have, especially Vegetables and fish.  If not for this, I'd be a complete Basketcase.  I feel like my mental functions are deteriorating. It's a helpless feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

 I wrote this Morning about semantics, word usage, choosing your battles, all somewhat tied together in my mind, evolved into 3 seperate attempts at 1 blog entry.  All of which disintegrated as I wrote.  I can't retain a thought.  I can't even tell you what I've done so far today at work.  I know I have been putting music on my phone (I lost my iPod) and I know I have a vacation which starts Thursday.  I can tell you the important stuff about my life, my job, my family... the things I've been thoroughly trained on.  Holding on to it while I explain, however, is difficult.  Typing this was difficult.  I started it 3 hours ago.  And now, 20 min after the last sentence, I've had to reread the whole thing to remember what my point is (if I even have one).

So I will leave it at this:  ADHD has been a pain in my ass lately.  That's pretty much all.  And when I put it that way, it seems easier to address. 

Has anyone heard of Ritalin?

"Has anyone out there had any experience with Ritalin?  My kid's doctor just put her on it and I'd like to know about side effects, etc."



This is not an uncommon question in ADHD circles.  It's always driven me nuts.  Until I was preparing to blog about it.  I would ask anyone who reads this to please share it with whomever it may apply to.

My initial rant was about how annoying it was to me that people would put their kids on meds BEFORE asking around about the medication.  As I was thinking about how to explain why, it dawned on me that, generally, these kids are young.  Parents are young.  The situation itself is new, confusing, and quite possibly scary.  Plus the parent has had the Dr's reassurance that this is the right thing to do.  Who thinks to tell the Dr "Hey I'd like some reading material and some time to think about this."  That said, I really can't say I blame anyone, however:

Nosey Nosey Nosey

Not only am I easily distracted,  I am INSANELY curious.  With ADHD, I constantly find myself picking up on other people's conversations.  When they interest me, of course, I become hyper focused and before you know it, I'm asking questions and giving my 2 cents!  Sometimes I get a weird look, others I get appreciation.  It's a toss-up.  When I see a squirrel running through a yard, It doesn't just distract me from a conversation I may be having.  I also have to watch the squirrel run through the yard, up the tree, across the branches to another tree... which would all be worthwhile if I could see a hawk swoop down and grab it.  But alas, nothing like that ever happens.

Master of the Lost Keys

I know, it probably seems like a silly title.  but imagine, if you will, He-Man, with all his might.  Now imagine that the only might he has is that he MIGHT know where his keys are.  That's what I envisioned when I renamed my fb page.  I often feel empowered by my ADHD, but in what way am I truly mighty?  I don't know anyone who can lose keys with the expertise I do. 

When my wife parks behind me and I have to leave before her in the morning, I would much rather just take her car than move it out of the way.  Unfortunately, this often means I have to wake her up to move it.  If I do it, there's a good chance I'll take her keys to work with me instead of putting them back where they go. 
The other side to this is that I have found various keys, not having a clue what they belong to.  last year I found the spare keys to a car I hadn't owned for several years! 

Honestly though, it's not just keys.  The worst is when you leave your kid in the car as you run into a store where your ex is dropping off your other kid.  I've done it.  It was for like 5 min, and I about vomitted when I realized what I had done.  That's the worst.  The worst ever.  I shudder thinking about it even now, 6 years later.

And on a less scary note, what's could be more frustrating than losing your glasses???  When you lose your keys, you don't need your keys to look for them (hopefully).  When you lose your wallet, you don't need your wallet to find it. but when you lose your glasses...

How are you supposed to see where they might have gone if you can't see without them? It's like looking for a flashlight in the dark...

Do you see the flashlight?

I am cursed with (I feel) the worst of the ADHD symptoms: Forgetfullness.  You could show me a baby picture of one of my kids, and I wouldn't be able to tell you who it is, just that it's my daughter.  You could ask me what I had for dinner last night, and unless I made it from scratch or REALLY enjoyed it or hated it, I probably wouldn't remember.  So of course, if things aren't put in a designated place, they could be lost forever.

In fact, there was more I was going to write in this entry, if only I could find my notes...

I am not disabled. Are you?

One hugely debated topic I've come across is whether or not ADHD is considered a disability. Considering that ADHD is more of a spectrum (having varying levels of intensity) I would imagine this would vary depending on the severity of the ADHD in an individual, and would ultimately depend on our idea of disability and what it means to be disabled.

What happens when we disable something?  When an alarm system is disabled, it no longer prevents entry.  When a Bomb is disabled, it can no longer go off. To me, being disabled means the inability to produce an expected action or result.

Scared Out of My Mind

One of my worst nightmares came true last weekend.  Someone very dear to me was in the hospital after suffering a heart attack.  It was my dad.  He is ok, and even after having a heart attack has a stronger heart than most people, but I was pretty scared.  And if you thought having ADHD could make me a basketcase, you ain't seen nothing!

I have not been able to focus to save my life.  I have been trying to cope with this huge event, and my mind ist still trying to wrap around the fact that this really happened, and thus having a hard time processing anything else. I have to wonder if I've just experienced something similar to the different between an "NT" and someone with ADHD? 

Crazy Manic Hungry Thoughful Helpful Tired Hyper Confused Regretful. And then there was Ritalin.

What does ADHD feel like?  You know, I can count on one hand the number of people who have ever asked me that.  I always hope this blog will enlighten people who want to know, and there are certainly those whom I want to know me better, but in the end, I have come to rely on this blog more for my own sanity.

Right now. 

It's 5pm (ish) and I'm friggin Manic.  I am Crazy.  I am hungry, thoughtful,  oh wait... you read the title?  Perfect. 

Moving along...

Tantrum

12/30/2013

I believe that I am improving in recognizing those days where Anxiety or Temper are getting the best of me, or will.  This time, my wife saw it before I did.

My 3 yr old wakes up fairly early yesterday AM.  I get up, fire up the tv and Wii, and she decides she wants to go back and snuggle with her mommy, then changes her mind to go back to her room to snuggle with her oldest sister.  Leaving me with the Wii and about 6 hrs of sleep.  Technically, I'm still a college student... so this should be something I can handle, right?  WRONG!  This particular game is a bit sensitive in the controls, and this causes me to die.  Over and over again.  I start getting frustrated.  As the morning progresses, my kids get up and start their morning rituals of random coloring, reading, and watching whatever's on the TV.  Then my wife gets up, and by now I'm raging at the game.

Religion and ADHD

Loaded Topic?  Sure.  I'm hoping to get some discussion going with this on, either on Google+ and/or Facebook.  Notice I said religion, and not spirituality.  What's the difference?  I suppose it depends on who you ask.  For the sake of discussion, lets say Spirituality is your belief of a higher power.  This could be your Higher Power in NA/AA, God, Allah, Thor, Superman, AOL... it yours to have and understand as you will. For some, there is no higher power per se, just life to live how one chooses.  All of these are acceptable and work for this discussion.  Religion, on the other hand, while still being your will, is more organized, and we'll consider it to be a provided method, in a somewhat controlled environment, with which you learn about and your higher power and support/practice your beliefs.  I know this may be a bit unorthodox (no pun intended...) given our definition of higher power, but work with me.

I have heard many (And certainly not all) arguments for and against "organized religion."  It's too controlling, it's not controlling enough.  It's not completely in line with my beliefs.  There's nothing out there that I agree with 100%.  I don't believe in God.  Religion is to commercialized...  There are a lot of reasons to challenge the idea of Church, Tent, Prayer, and anything organized.

Triggers: an Epiphany

I made a breakthrough realization yesterday. 

So here I am, getting annoyed with my wife.  She's acting out of sorts and of course I'm just laying there in bed last night dwelling on it.  Then I realized, I was acting the same way she was.  Huffing and puffing and being antisocial.  So this is how I realized that she was having a bad day, by how frustrated I was getting.  There are few things I dislike more than my wife's unhappiness.  I think, subconsciously I've always gotten defensive about it.  Now I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking back on all the times we get into arguments.  It usually starts with one of us being in a bad mood, and the other taking it personally.  ESPECIALLY ME. 

What I wouldn't give to be that husband who is always calming.  That husband who is the rock of the family.  kids respect him, wife depends on him and appreciates him, because he is constantly showing his appreciation for her.  We all know that perfect husband image: never gets mad, always puts the needs of his wife and kids before his own, breaks everything he tries to fix.  I don't fix enough things to screw up on that end...