Dating and ADHD

How have I not touched on this?  Ever?

Dating with ADHD can be SUPER tough, or super easy, depending on how your life so far has affected your confidence and your social abilities.  I sucked.  I ruined a lot of friendships and relationships for the simple reason that I had no idea what I was doing.  I had no idea that hanging out with a girl would lead my girlfriend to think I was cheating.  I had no idea that when I started dating one of my best friends, I'd have to kiss her (regularly).  Then I grew up a little (or not at all LOL) and discoverred that even though I now knew these things, I could still not control myself enough to have a meaningful relationship.  I honestly wish I had learned what I know now when I was like, 11, so I wouldn't have spoiled so many opportunities as a teenager to actually have an enjoyable relationship.  I was drawn to people who were drawn to me.  Either those who were a bit socially awkward like myself, or complete narcissists who need the attention they got from a People Pleaser. The latter could never understand why I suddenly lost interest and accused me of not caring (which, at that point, was accurate).  The former expected who-knows-what from me and I didn't provide it, because neither of us ever knew how to talk to each other.  I'm glad my wife is awesome and we're married, because if I had to get back into the dating world these days, I wouldn't survive LOL.

My advice, based completely on my own experiences and probably not nearly applicable in anyone else's circumstances: Date often,  don't force it and don't go professing your love for the first boy or girl who gives you the time of day (otherwise everyone after becomes the new "love of your life" and you never get to learn what love is).  Relax and have a good time.  Don't be afraid to hold hand or give a kiss, and don't feel obligated to go any further than you're comfortable.  It should be a learning experience until your 20's (it WILL be a learning experience at least that long.  I'm 33 and still learning!)


On the flipside of things, if you are dating or married to someone with ADHD, understand their emotions and thought processes ARE NOT the same as yours (even if you have ADHD also) and remember that your relationship should- and hopefully will- be an enjoyable adventure from start to finish.  If it turns into a "Wrong Turn" kind of adventure, don't just let it be.  Fix it, and fix it together.  This can be done.  I've done it.  It's not easy, but knowing that ADHD relationships are high maintenance from the start will help you get through.  Communication is key.  Therapy may be needed.  You may experience a desire to throw away all the laundry that keeps piling up (and you're welcome to it, I hate laundry).  You may need time away (I call this "going fishing").  Don't be afraid.  Tough it out whenever possible, because afterward a successful relationship is all the more appreciated for the work you put into it.


Lastly,  Remember that there is ADHD involved.  Address your relationships just like you would anything else in your ADHD life.  Talk to your therapist, friends, or parents if that's what you do.  Be open and honest.  Do NOT judge. 

you'll be alright.

Finally (yes I just did that) remember that bacon will always be common ground for you to rebuild on.

Random epiphany: Utopia

How many times have you asked yourself, others, or have been asked: "What would you do if you won the lottery?" or "What would you do with $1billion?"   Are your first thoughts about your new luxury lifestyle or about helping your loved ones?  Are they about vacations?  Buying a plane, a nice car, or a big house? 

Every day I drive to and from work via a rural road, mostly through forest and field, thinking how nice it would be to have a few thousand acres of land to play with and do with what I please.  I have been thinking a lot about the economy lately, and my local ecology as well.  I have discoverred what my ideal life would be. Remember, this is ideal, not necessarily 100% realistic...

I would own 2-5 thousand acres of wetland/prairie ecology.  I would plant minimally, using only local, non invasive (ie silver maple and other trees which tend to take over) plants.  The land would be designated as a preserve, so would have to be in an area with protected wildlife (like wild horses) and I would live there with limited friends and family in a semi-communal lifestyle.  we'd provide our own agriculture.  There would be power, generated by the sun and wind.  Being a wetland, water would be well or stream, with a filtration system which requires minimal upkeep.  The filtration would begin where the water flows into the property, so everything in my ecosystem can experience clean water.  for those who still decided to work (say, to pay the property tax or maintenance costs of the land and lifestyle), there would be parking at the entrance, just like any state park or forest preserve.  The focus would be on clean living within a natural ecosystem.  There would be livestock (goats, sheep, horses, poultry) but also wildlife food sources (deer, berries, pheasants, etc).  We would live publicly (schooling, taxes, hospitals, etc) but with a minimal carbon footprint. 

why?

We are killing ourselves.  We pollute the land we live off of, and thus polute ourselves.  the people of the world need to retain the knowledge of how to care for the land and live off it.  We've lost touch with that.  Decades ago, the people who survived the Great Depression did so mostly because they knew how to be self sufficient.  They grew their own food and canned it for the winter.  They raised goats and chickens in their backyards.  They lived as extended families.  Recently, we had a large recession, and people panicked.  All you heard about was people being upside down in their mortgage, foreclosures, and the price of food and services going up.  People need to realize that they can save hundreds each month by planting a garden and owning a few chickens and goats for milk, eggs, and meat.  When society takes an enormous shit into the fan of life, I want to be among those who have time to duck.  Those who are self sufficient, yet still willing and able to contribute to society.

My Dream house would look something like this.

So my house would be solar powered.  My crops would have ditch irrigation. I would have Apples, berries, and various fruits and veggies like broccoli, tomatoes, celery, leafy greans, cucumbers, corn, peppers, chilis, peas, and squash; and of course roots like onions, potatoes, radishes.  I wouldn't use a microwave.  I'd have a fire-heated brick oven and an electric stove.  So of course there would also have to be plenty of hickory and oak on the land.  It'd be kinda like a commune, but not so cut off from society.  I'd maintain that connection so the reality of what today's society does, to the land and to each other, is always present.

So I guess this turned into a bit of a rant.  When I go to a forest preserve to run, or a river for tubing, I am at peace.  The less I see of societal impact on my surroundings, the happier I am. 

Maybe I need a Kickstart to make this a reality LOL!

To Fail at Sky Diving

How many of you are country fans?  Ever hear the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw?  Inspiring, right?  Wrong.  Nightmares. 

Many people with ADHD deal with depression and/or a heightened imagination.  Dreams of violence, suicide, etc. can put us on the edge or make us wonder if we don't have some deep down violent tendencies.  I just have the nightmares.  Waking nightmares.   The other day I was listeing to this song, and thinking about what it would be like to go skydiving.  My dad just had a heart attack a month or so ago, and of course, this reiterated the mortal fear in me.  So here I was, kind of daydreaming about going Skydiving with my dad.  The cargo/jump door opened, and I without my chute got sucked out, as my dad hopelessly watched his only son fall away.  As I came out of the daymare, I was left with the sense of him jumping after me, chute on his back and an extra in his hand... but did he reach me?  I'm willing to bet my dad would jump out of a plane if he though he could save me.  Did he reach me?  Of course now I'm thinking of myself and if I were in his shoes and it were one of my daughters.  The images are so vivid I could scream. 

This has recently come up in conversation in one of the groups I regularly participate in online.  An individual had been having violent or depressing dreams, and was wondering if, deep down, she was suicidal.  I won't go into further detail but it made me realize I am not alone with the mightmares and the morbid imagination.  It was interesting to see the comments on that thread.  They were so supportive.  The general consensus was there that if she truly believed she was capable of self harm or harm to others, to seek professional advice.  However, beyond that, there was support.  "You aren't alone, I have those dreams too" kind of comments.  I shared some of my nightmares, daymares, and fears as did others, and I feel like we all kinda changed her thoughts from "What if I'm suicidal?" to "These are the things I fear the most."  When we fear something so strongly, we are not likely to act it out, but rather shy away from it in the waking world. 

My nightmares are almost always about witnessing the violent death of my loved ones, or falling to my own death.  When I even have the slightest thought of harm coming to my kids, I can't bear to look at them, because I see it all over again.  I often wonder why I can't imagine nice things.  Anxiety maybe?

So, here I am in my ADHD mind wondering where I'm going with this, and really, it all boils down to two things.

Assume the best about yourself, not the worst; surround yourself with people who will motivate and relate.

You are not alone.  Whether it's finding something so wonderful it's almost addicting (like Pink Floyd Music) or so awful you wake up screaming, there's someone out there who can relate. 

Inspiration.

I realize that ADHD does not affect us all the same way.  Some people who read this face far more challenges than I do.  And some less.  Some of you may read my posts and think "This guy's nuts."

That may or may not be true.

Yet others may read this and think, "Man, I wish I had his problems." 

I try to write about the good and the bad that happens in my life.  One thing that remains consistent is why.  I write because there are those who are worse off who can't express their needs and frustrations.  I write to provide perspective to those who might not otherwise understand.  For those of you who struggle with OCD, Depression, Autism, and other spectrums, disorders, personalities, and/or handicaps: I love you all.  I write for you.  You are my heroes.  My inspiration.  I am able to joke about my ADHD, and do so gladly.  However, don't think for a minute that I don't take it seriously at the same time.  If my life is ever bad, there's someone out there who has it ten times worse.

I grew up as a runner, with a runner as a father.  When I would feel a little bleh about things, he'd notice.  We'd be driving and he'd see a homeless person walking down the street with Cerebral Palsy or some similar affliction (This specific example actually happened) and he point them out to me.  He'd say "Son, that's why we run.  We do it for the people who can't."  Thus he taught me that there are always people worse off, fighting a harder battle. 

So for those with similar issues to mine, and those without, remember this the next time you need motivation, inspiration, or if you just need to know you're worth it.  Someone else has it worse, and they are still living day to day like it matters.  Because it does.  Regardless of who you are, or what your superpower is, you matter.  Do not get down on yourself for the cards you're dealt.  Find something you can do, and do it for those who can't.  And for those who can't describe their ADHD, can't deal with their ADHD and Aspie child, know that I gladly represent you and recognize your battle, which in and of itself makes you a stronger person than I.

To the rest of you, please appreciate the situation of others and remember you may not know what they go through.  Rather than being judgy, be inspired.

Kudos to a great friend in the ADHD community

You may have seen this posted before, however it was terribly put together and I feel it did not do the subject justice.  Please give it another chance, and I highly recommend you follow the links...

Credit for all links, photos, and quotes goes to Tom Nardone.  Just sayin.


Once there was a man named Tom Nardone.  In fact, more than once, as there is still a man named Tom Nardone.  Well Shit, what a great start.  But this is how I role, and Tom Nardone would say "F!#* it, you're awesome!"  So I'll continue.  Tom is one of my favorite people. A Wise Man, is he, who finds the awesome in everything.  This particular man has a loving relationship with a chair, brings pizza to job interviews, and kills lawns like a champ.  My hero.  I know now, because of Tom, that my reality is true that Call of Duty take precedence over just about anything that tries to interrupt it.  I take solace in that.

His Wife, Yvonne, calls him a Bloggernaut.  This man is relentless in sharing his wealth of knowledge, and isn't afraid to admit it.  Yet, he's also not trying to hog the spotlight.  He willing helps others with blogs and personal issues, not discriminating.  His poetry is worth a read as well, and is at par with the rest of his blogs.  Most importantly, however, Tom Nardone is a man with a realistic interpretation of the ADHD Blogworld.

To hell with the world's most interesting man.  Tom Nardone is the world's most awesome man. Even so, he goes out of his way to promote his peers almost as much as he promotes himself.  Though I consider myself to be fairly mediocre as far as bloggers go, this is how Tom sees me:



Most importantly, he provides an accurate detail of the value of the crap in our lives. When you read his blog about used things being the best things, you'll see that he is so right.  I have been screwed by my house, and by my car...

Vacation blues

What you want from a vacation is not always what you get.   Family reunions, especially.  There are always those favorite relatives who couldn't make it.  That crazy aunt or uncle who drives everyone nuts (or is the life of the party).  One thing I've always loved, however, is the break from reality.  Drink a little more, eat a little worse, stay up a little later.

Not anymore.   This vacation, those last three things are getting cut short.  I suffer from tension headaches, and after regulating my sleep and diet for several months, I have found that I cannot simply stop and let loose just for a vacation.  Right now I'm typing this in bed on my smart phone because laying down equalizes my blood flow and relieves some of the tension in my head.  I can also work out or run l, allowing the endorphins to sort me out.  I plan to after this post.  The only other thing that works is Excedrine Tension Headache, or it's name brand equivalent.  This speaks volumes to the need, especially for someone with ADHD, to maintain a healthy balance of food, exercise,  and rest.  The problems we have without a healthy routine are not always just enhanced ADHD symptoms, but also physical symptoms.  So I will be ending this now with a question and a thought.

Thought: the hardest part about getting in shape and developing a healthy routine is the actual development.   Once you get started, your body will tell you when you get too far off track a lot of the time.

Question: does anyone else out there suffer from tension headaches or other  physical symptoms, and how do you link it to ADHD, if at all?

Tantrum: Revisited

Those of you who are not new readers know I have an internal nemesis named Tantrum.  For the newbies out there, I'll break it down real quick like.  Ever have those days where one thing after another goes wrong and you get so angry you start to take it out on everything and everyone around you?  Yes, well, maybe not.  Anyhow, I do, and I call this phenomenon Tantrum.  I find Tantrum is easier to combat when personified.

Tantrum struck hard this weekend.  I can't really go into the details, unfortunately, as I feel obligated to respect the privacy of those I was with this weekend who might read this and find it otherwise distasteful.  I digress...

tantrum struck hard.  I was not at home.  I had no "go-to" sanctuary to calm my mind and fight the battle.  so I fought Tantrum, in the open, in my mind, and fought so hard I was in tears for hours.  You might ask me "Andrew, why would you put yourself through this?"

Glad you asked.