Friday, October 17, 2014

Road Rage 3: the invisible egg

Sometimes I feel like daytime drivers are all part of a union, which requires them to mess with people and just be all around douchbags on the road. 

I had to make a stop at the Dr's office this morning on the way to work.  First I get routed all over Northern Illinois because there is construction EVERYWHERE.  I've finally gotten back to the intersection that will put me on the road I need to get to the DR, and I see this dude driving backward down the wrong side of the road, through the intersection.  WTF?  I make my turn into the lane he was in, only to find out why he was driving backward... There was an accident.  Car was bent in half around a street light, and the fire truck that responded was blocking both lanes, so the road was closed and traffice was being diverted.  By now its too late for me to get out of it, so I'm stuck waiting for traffic to crawl by this accident (which occured at an intersection, so all for ways are being controlled by traffic cops.  It took me 45 min to drive a quarter mile  The dude in the car behind me is eating with his mouth open, spilling food all over himself. Gross.  I'm pretty sure the dudes in the car next to me are rolling a joint.  Really?  Really.
  So I did not have time to stop, and it took me 2 hrs to get to work instead of the anticipated ~75 min.  I didn't have an appt, just needed to pick something up, so the Dr. thing was no biggie.  But now, again, I'm detoured all over the suburbs trying to find a new route to work.

For those familiar with where I work, I finally make it through several backroad detours to Boughton Rd. in Naperville, which I can virtually take all the way there.  Home free, with 25 min to go before I'm late.  I can totally do this.  Wait, what's that ahead?  Oh it's a sewer truck blocking my lane (about 200 meters ahead).  Let me signal my intent to merge and get into the other lane.  Well ok that car's not going to let me over, I'll get behind him.  No, nevermind, this guy's not letting me over either.  there's room behind him, and my signal's been on for a bit so I should be fine.  Wait, did that Asshat just speed up so I couldn't get in front of him???  Holy Crap, did he really just hit his brakes and flip me off when I got behind him???  It's a good thing I've got my invisible eggs in the car.  Yes, that's right.  I've been saying for years that with all the douch drivers on the road that I really just need a carton off eggs in the car.  This guy has no idea what's coming.  Look at that bus stopped up ahead, in his lane.  He'll have to get over to my lane now.  Let me pass him first.  BOOM! he just got egged.  Now he's behind me and has no idea about the yolk running down the back of his car. 
ok we're a few miles down the road and he's getting into the turn lane.  BOOM!  BOOM! BOOM! 3 more eggs (thrown together, I've got mad skillz).  Pretty sure one hit his window.  He's stuck at a red arrow, powerless to stop me.  Powerless to pursue me as I pass through the interestion.  SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE!  It's a great feeling just knowing how I could have really jacked his car up.  He was at my mercy and didn't even know.  He's going to be cleaning invisible eggshit off his car for weeks.  Serves him right, for his massively "Dick-ish antics" (thanks for the term, K-Grig).

Vindicated, I continued to work. 

Invisible eggs.  When the ride has just been absolute crap and that one idiot just pushes you over the edge, you'll be thankful for your invisible eggs.  In fact, I have just given you some.  Free of charge.  Just comment on my blog and share it with your friends (I like when people read my nonsensical musings), that's all I ask. 

Go forth and egg shitty drivers to your heart's content, and feel free to tell me about it in the comments below.