Ever get in a mood and start writing things or doing things or saying things you want to do (I hear this referred to as motivation...), but then you look back and you're like "Shit, why on EARTH did I commit to this?"
Sometimes I'll take on a project and think "this was stupid, you know nothing about this, Drew. WTF were you thinking?" I have half-assed quite a few things in my time. My garden, the dishes, the laundry... Sometimes its just a case of Almost (being just enough to get by) and others it's a case of biting off more than I can chew. I look back on some of these blog entries and see 5 pageviews and wonder "what was that?" then I read it, and ask myself "What was that?"
My point is, this is not always menial. Once I was at work (Spencer Gifts, I was 22) and I saw these two pretty girls come in (of course I was 22, so they were F*ing hot chicks) and I said something to the guy I was working with (we were pretty good friends, it seemed harmless). "Hey Tony," I said (not his real name, by the way), "you get the brunette, I get the redhead." (forgive me, I was an idiot once upon a time)
Tony says "Dude, that's my sister."
All I could think was:
Right before he gave me a much deserved "friendly" backhand to the nuts. We were still friends after that, and we both laughed about it... his sister even thought it was funny.
But boy oh boy, that could have gone differently, right?
Here's another one (my awkward preteen years) : I'm in 6th grade. There's a girl in my class whose mom passed away. I'm starving for attention, right? All the time saying whatever I can strain to think of to get attention. my first thought was a play on the term "son of a bitch". (You are right to be moaning as you read.) Son of a bitch. Son of a dead bitch. Daughter of a dead bitch. (who thinks these things???) What came out of my mouth to one of the boys in my class? yep. It happened. "Now instead of being called 'daughter of a bitch,' she'll be called 'daughter of a dead bitch.'"
Of course he went running (laughing) to the girl and told her what I said. He wanted to see me get in trouble, because I always got in trouble for doing the dumbest things.
Even now, writing that, and reading over it, I cringe. Just typing the words makes me feel dirty. And I said them. out loud. not thinking that it wasn't ok. not thinking at all.
I had no problems with that particular girl at the time. She was simply the innocent victim of my blind search for acceptance (she had never had a kind word for me, but I was used to that). No one understood. My teacher was appalled, and sent me to the principle. She was appalled. There was nothing I could do to make them understand I didn't mean it, I was just "making an observation" as I put it then. As I continually forget more and more of my childhood, that day will probably be one of the last to go.
My point is this: I have no idea what my point is. Seriously. Half the things that come out of my mouth have little or no thought put into them (though I have definitely learned a few lessons on the way and common sense somehow finds it's way into most of my conversations). These blog posts are off the cuff, though they typically take 30 min to an hour to write, because I have to backtrack to figure out what the heck I'm trying to say! Having my manhood pummeled and being sent to the principle for one of the most embarrassing things I've ever said, not to mention hurtful, have taught me a few things. And I have no idea what those things are.
How many of us think about why we are the person we are? How we got to where we are? The things we are/were ashamed of? The things we are proud of? I would venture to say most of us go day by day just living day to day, with no special thought to how we got there aside from the occasional reminiscing. Yet to successfully overcome ADD/HD, I would need to think of these things before just about everything that comes out of my mouth. We all know that won't happen. So aside from the obvious taboos I've learned (the hard way) I will forever be spouting out things that really just shouldn't be said.