Friday, January 17, 2014

Today I was a cave man

Today I was a caveman. 

We all have those days where something triggers the imagination and we become residents in another reality.  Today I was in the restroom at work and noticed a faint odor, combined with the fact that several of the stalls were occupied.  As I joined the occupants in a stall of my own, I found myself wondering "Wouldn't it be nice if we could all crap in the open air, allowing our scent to spread? A source of pride, but also relief as it would not remain and stagnate."  Suddenly, I was a cave man.

I envision myself similarly to Ugg from "The Croods."  Here I am, finishing a giant egg I had to search all day for, when I realize those berries I found in the cat droppings, while very stimulating, also didn't mix too well with egg.
I scrambled to find a somewhat secluded location to relieve myself and ponder the events of the world (or rather the possibilities of the world, since there would have been no newspaper to read).  I prefer the shade of a tree, especially since such a location also provides leaves to wipe with.  I learned the hard way that if you leave the situation alone after pooping, things can get irritated.  Not to mention the flies these days bite something fierce, and lay eggs in the worst places.  The first location is promising.  I find a nice spot under a tree which provides enough brush to give some privacy, but not so much I can't see what's going on around me.  I turn a few circles and prepare to squat, when I notice ants.  Those big hairy ones that sting and lay their eggs in the worst places.  My stomach growls in protest as I continue my search.  I come across my friend, Rawg, coming away from a tree, with a familiar scent wafting along with him.  I advised he should wipe better.  Just as I began wandering in the area he had just left (good enough for him, should be good enough for me...) a giant bird swooped down and carried him off.  I had noticed he had recently sharpened his nails, so I wasn't too concerned.  I looked up in the tree, and there were several such birds perched and waiting for a self-cleaning meal.  Moving along (but not in the way I want to).

Finally i find a bluff I can just do my business from, which will provide a nice soothing breeze.  I squat down, leaning a little more than I probably need to, as I fear I might fall from the cliff.  As I'm leaning, I feel water spraying my hind quarters.  I am brought back to the real world, realizing I had leaned forward enough for the auto-flush to think I had gotten up.  As I dry myself, I realize a faint stink might be better than a somewhat open-air environment afterall...

I bite

I may or may not have nightmares tonight.

This fantasy friday is brought to you by bacon, and it's holy goodness.  Eat bacon, and live a shorter, fuller life.

Thanks as always for reading


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