Thursday, January 2, 2014

Who am I? Who are you?

I wrote all of this, then realized I did not specify what, exactly, I'm talking about.  That's part of how my ADHD gets away from me.  I am... confused (For lack of a better word) by the level of readership of my blog, and where readership is lacking (where I anticipated the most readers to come from actually comprises the smallest portion of regular readers)

So not everything about having ADHD is a learning experience.  There are some times when I reflect not on myself, but on those around me.  I find myself mildly frustrated (Tantrum is still far from taking over) at what I see and hear from my friends and family.  I have, in general, gotten a positive response regarding this blog...    From those who read it.

There in lies my concern.  I suppose I can look at this two ways:

1.  I have lived thus far with the understanding that a large group of people will determine whether or not they care to know more about me, or care to understand me, within a few moments of meeting me.  Furthermore, there is another group of people who have known me most of my life, and are either two-faced or simply don't want to make the time to bother.  There are a few people who I know would read my blog but just don't have the means, and I'm cool with that.  But the rest?  I've never really been able to express myself until recently.  Thanks to this blog, I have reflected, written, and had a lot of discussion about different facets of my life.  I realized, somewhere in this process, that most of the people who know me, know nothing about me.  I am not angry at the lack of readership, but I wish I could impress upon these people the person I really am, because many of them have it all wrong.  In retrospect, this is always something that's bugged me, but I never really realized it's full potential until now.  People who are important to me don't know me, either because they've made their own assumptions, or because they don't care to, or because I haven't been able to truly introduce myself.

2.  The people who matter in my life already know I'm different and frankly their love and/or friendship does not need knowledge of how or why I am the way I am, I am accepted and that's that.  I like this way better, and not just because it was quicker to be typed...

But regardless, I feel the need to introduce myself:

I am Andrew.   I am also Tantrum (destroyer of the good mood), Captain WTF (who recognizes the preposterous in everything but himself), and Mr. What-were-we-talking-about? (who forgets everything from where his keys are to what the conversation is about).  I am 33 years old.  I am also 12, 21, and 80, depending on the day.  I don't need support, empathy, or sympathy.  I don't need it.  But sometimes, I want it.  Sometimes I just want people to know who I am and why, and I wonder how it might affect my life and how I interact with others if people knew me better. 

Those who are closest to me and might even be able to relate, don't necessarily understand me and all my faces (literally and figuratively).  And they don't read my blog (well, some do, but not many).  Looking at it now, it seems awkward for the prior sentence to have meaning in a grown-up world.  "Oh no, they don't read my blog!"  It seems kinda silly, but this blog has become the best way to get in touch with who I am and express it to others.  My parents, my wife, my closest friends, can and will get an unanticipated understanding of what it's like to be me.  Maybe they will think I'm a crybaby.  Maybe they'll thenk I'm not the person they thought and will want less to do with me.  But either of those is better than a reality of ignorance, right?

So that's my rant.  Thanks for lending your ear.


PS.  I would like to thank Tom Nardone for creating and his inspiration in naming my alter-egos.  All because I rocked the Captain America suit.  Thanks Tom!

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