Tuesday, February 4, 2014
The winter Blahs
When I began this blog, my intent was to capture all the many facets that make up my life, and how they are especially ADHD affected. I want to also make it a point not to turn this into a pity party for myself when I'm feeling down.
That said, I can't very well capture the true essence of my ADD/ADHD life without touching the less appealing aspects of my character. Lately I have been pretty out of touch with that little spark of insanity that helps me power through life. I get this way every winter, it seems, and it's been getting worse every year.
One thing that I've admitted to in the past is my own guilt in my lack of routine, and the Sloth and Gluttony that have gripped my life and are slowly drowning me in self-pity and disappointment.
I find myself wanting to be the energetic dad who takes my kids sledding and running amok through the snow. I want to stay ontop of the housework. I want to write and share my blog entries. When the opportunity presents itself, however, something stops me. It's like a physical force that only allows me to leave the couch for food or to use the bathroom. I wait til the last minute to clean the dishes, cook the food, do the homework. Thank goodness for the Anxiety, that last minute "if I don't do it now I'll fail" anxiety that is strong enough to put me in motion.
Then there's my health. I've already touched on the topic of Gluttony. I cannot stop eating if there's food in front of me. It is a remarkable accomplishement if I have leftovers. Eating also comforts me. I don't typically have the energy to make food during times like this, so I end up eating all the snack food in the house first. Chips, candy, canned food. Considering that most of the year I am accustomed to eating home-cooked, from-scratch meals, salads, etc, this is a real shock to my system, and only serves to enable sickness and depression.
This is not a rant, or a search for pity. It is an admittance of weakness. I need help, but am afraid to ask. Afraid of denial, disappointment, or embarassment. I do not want to be a burden on others. I want strength.
In my recently developed friendships and discussions on the topic of ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression, I have come to learn that I am not alone in being misunderstood, or simply not understood at all. I feel that, for me, this stems from my lack of communication. I feel I should be sharing this with my friends and family. That I should be seeking encouragement. When the time comes, though, all I feel is shame. I do not have the willpower to seek help, motivation, or understanding. I wallow in my blahs until longer days and warmer sun melts them away.
This is the dark underbelly of my ADD/ADHD life. The one thing in the world that does not get better with Bacon.
Thank you for reading.