the absent-minded poet

Some times, the weirdest things come to mind...  I shared this today in a group online...

I am 34. aged to perfection.
Bacon does NOT give me an erection
Selfies are not a thing that I do,
and I get obsessive when talking 'bout poo.
Poetry's nice, I think mine's quite simple,
It pops into my mind like the puss from a pimple.
I write a blog and it's all about me
and my battle ongoing with ADHD
I love to eat bacon, drink liquor, and run
though not in that order... that wouldn't be fun
to run full of bacon would sicken me so
Bacon, post-run, is delightful though.
so I'm young, and I'm bald, I'm a father of 3
I'd type so much more, but I really must pee.


you know, when I was in high school, I actually wrote a lot of poetry.  Some of it was really lame.  some was disturbing, and some was pretty decent.  I've always been good with rhymes.  These days I put it out there fairly regularly that I love Bacon.  There's been this rash of posts in this particular group about guessing people's age, which I just don't understand.  Then this poem just came to me. one line at a time.  In the middle of perusing the ADHD facebook group and watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. 

Poetry was a good outlet for me.  Anything driven by emotion or confusion or just being downright silly is good for the ADHD mind.  We so often have a habit of saying too much, too soon.  The more we get that out of our system on our own, the better equipped we are to say the right thing, or to keep quiet when necessary.  It could also be great practice for witty conversations and comedy stand-up...

To me, the funniest thing about this poem is I won't be 34 for another month LOL

Baconlove

Rub Some Bacon on It: http://youtu.be/wSReSGe200A

One thing that, when you get to know me, is abundantly clear: I love bacon.  We all have something abnormal we almost obsess over, and for me that's bacon.  I have a bacon calendar on my desk at work, I have bacon flavored lip balm, bacon flavored floss, even a bacon air freshener in my car.  I share videos and memes about bacon, and do my part is spreading the word about the bacon revolution.

I know it's rediculous.  and in reality, I don't eat a whole lot of bacon (because then I'd get sick of it),  but it is great in everything as the primary ingredient (bacon and eggs, bacon pancakes, etc) or as a condiment or added flavor for salad or meatloaf or ice cream or anything edible. 

ADHD comes with the ability to hyperfocus, though we often don't realize it.  Even been able to read an 1100 page book front to back, before realizing you just spent about 13 hrs straight reading?  I've done that, and at the time had never heard the term hyperfocus.  Think about the things you are crazy about.  Toe socks? Bacon? Pizza?  Beer?  My daughter has a pencil collection, I have a rock collection and a shell collection.  Even our collecting hobbies can be reinforced by our ADHD, and can help treat it!  I digress...

Bacon.

Studies have shown bacon to provide therapy for many things from anxiety to PMS, and supports healthy pregnancy.  Bacon is a well known hangover remedy, as well as a cure for the common headache. 

go eat bacon, and experience a little piece of my world...

A Friend Worth Sharing my Bacon With

What does it mean to be a friend in 2014?  What does it mean to lose a friend?  to gain a friend?  Friendships can be a bitch to maintain these days.  First of all, people have to move where the work is.  Location is a huge factor in maintaining friendship.  Then, of course, none of us have money to actually go out and do things.  Lastly, technology has made us socially ignorant when outside the virtual world.  Now add ADHD.  What needs to be done to actually spend quality time with friends?  Well there's scheduling, remembering...  9 times out of 10, when I see an invite to an event or get a call to do something, I have to decline.  I'm either working, have something to do with the family, or I just don't have the money to come.  I care about my friends, but I hang out with my friends so rarely that I often feel awkward or "out of the loop."

 A perfect example (and really what inspired me to write this entry) was a recent wedding.

To Fail at Sky Diving

How many of you are country fans?  Ever hear the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw?  Inspiring, right?  Wrong.  Nightmares. 

Many people with ADHD deal with depression and/or a heightened imagination.  Dreams of violence, suicide, etc. can put us on the edge or make us wonder if we don't have some deep down violent tendencies.  I just have the nightmares.  Waking nightmares.   The other day I was listeing to this song, and thinking about what it would be like to go skydiving.  My dad just had a heart attack a month or so ago, and of course, this reiterated the mortal fear in me.  So here I was, kind of daydreaming about going Skydiving with my dad.  The cargo/jump door opened, and I without my chute got sucked out, as my dad hopelessly watched his only son fall away.  As I came out of the daymare, I was left with the sense of him jumping after me, chute on his back and an extra in his hand... but did he reach me?  I'm willing to bet my dad would jump out of a plane if he though he could save me.  Did he reach me?  Of course now I'm thinking of myself and if I were in his shoes and it were one of my daughters.  The images are so vivid I could scream. 

This has recently come up in conversation in one of the groups I regularly participate in online.  An individual had been having violent or depressing dreams, and was wondering if, deep down, she was suicidal.  I won't go into further detail but it made me realize I am not alone with the mightmares and the morbid imagination.  It was interesting to see the comments on that thread.  They were so supportive.  The general consensus was there that if she truly believed she was capable of self harm or harm to others, to seek professional advice.  However, beyond that, there was support.  "You aren't alone, I have those dreams too" kind of comments.  I shared some of my nightmares, daymares, and fears as did others, and I feel like we all kinda changed her thoughts from "What if I'm suicidal?" to "These are the things I fear the most."  When we fear something so strongly, we are not likely to act it out, but rather shy away from it in the waking world. 

My nightmares are almost always about witnessing the violent death of my loved ones, or falling to my own death.  When I even have the slightest thought of harm coming to my kids, I can't bear to look at them, because I see it all over again.  I often wonder why I can't imagine nice things.  Anxiety maybe?

So, here I am in my ADHD mind wondering where I'm going with this, and really, it all boils down to two things.

Assume the best about yourself, not the worst; surround yourself with people who will motivate and relate.

You are not alone.  Whether it's finding something so wonderful it's almost addicting (like Pink Floyd Music) or so awful you wake up screaming, there's someone out there who can relate. 

Tantrum: Revisited

Those of you who are not new readers know I have an internal nemesis named Tantrum.  For the newbies out there, I'll break it down real quick like.  Ever have those days where one thing after another goes wrong and you get so angry you start to take it out on everything and everyone around you?  Yes, well, maybe not.  Anyhow, I do, and I call this phenomenon Tantrum.  I find Tantrum is easier to combat when personified.

Tantrum struck hard this weekend.  I can't really go into the details, unfortunately, as I feel obligated to respect the privacy of those I was with this weekend who might read this and find it otherwise distasteful.  I digress...

tantrum struck hard.  I was not at home.  I had no "go-to" sanctuary to calm my mind and fight the battle.  so I fought Tantrum, in the open, in my mind, and fought so hard I was in tears for hours.  You might ask me "Andrew, why would you put yourself through this?"

Glad you asked.

Basket case

Anyone who's taken a break from their meds will get this...


I recently experienced a life-altering event.  I'm not sure why it's still affecting me, since it's over with, and life has gone on with no injury, torment, sadness, or any other insanity which would cause me duress.  Yet here I am, still unable to function.  It's started affecting my work life.  My blogging.  This morning I wrote and rewrote a blog 3 times, each time less cohesive than the last.  I am second guessing myself constantly.  I do not have the time or money to undergo any non-med treatment, and so it may come down to a decision to take up the ritalin coat of arms once more.


Essentially I feel like I did when I first tried to stop taking meds for my ADHD.  I attempted to quit cold turkey, and the effects were immense.  Concentrate?  What's that?  Focus?  yeah, right...

That's where I am now.  Luckily, I have well developed habits to get through the day.  Even so, I feel like I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth.  I have reverted back to focusing on people's lack of understanding my thought process.  I have created discussions and arguments where none were needed.  Much like the depression that sets in during the winter months, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. 

Of course I can maintain a facade.  I can act like everything's good.  Those who really have an "in" to my behaviours, however, know the truth.  My manager is one, for sure.  I've been making stupid mistakes regarding processes I've been doing since I started working here.  Mistakes that have no excuse. I'm mixing up my kids' names (more than usual), forgetting what I was saying mid sentence, and spacing out in the middle of conversations.  It's like I'm re-experiencing ADHD for the first time.  And it's exhausting.  It doesn't help that I've been depriving myself of sleep.  Luckily I've been eating fairly well, however I have reintroduced an unhealthy amount of sugar into my diet.  I still get a great balance of everything else I should have, especially Vegetables and fish.  If not for this, I'd be a complete Basketcase.  I feel like my mental functions are deteriorating. It's a helpless feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

 I wrote this Morning about semantics, word usage, choosing your battles, all somewhat tied together in my mind, evolved into 3 seperate attempts at 1 blog entry.  All of which disintegrated as I wrote.  I can't retain a thought.  I can't even tell you what I've done so far today at work.  I know I have been putting music on my phone (I lost my iPod) and I know I have a vacation which starts Thursday.  I can tell you the important stuff about my life, my job, my family... the things I've been thoroughly trained on.  Holding on to it while I explain, however, is difficult.  Typing this was difficult.  I started it 3 hours ago.  And now, 20 min after the last sentence, I've had to reread the whole thing to remember what my point is (if I even have one).

So I will leave it at this:  ADHD has been a pain in my ass lately.  That's pretty much all.  And when I put it that way, it seems easier to address. 

Nosey Nosey Nosey

Not only am I easily distracted,  I am INSANELY curious.  With ADHD, I constantly find myself picking up on other people's conversations.  When they interest me, of course, I become hyper focused and before you know it, I'm asking questions and giving my 2 cents!  Sometimes I get a weird look, others I get appreciation.  It's a toss-up.  When I see a squirrel running through a yard, It doesn't just distract me from a conversation I may be having.  I also have to watch the squirrel run through the yard, up the tree, across the branches to another tree... which would all be worthwhile if I could see a hawk swoop down and grab it.  But alas, nothing like that ever happens.

Master of the Lost Keys

I know, it probably seems like a silly title.  but imagine, if you will, He-Man, with all his might.  Now imagine that the only might he has is that he MIGHT know where his keys are.  That's what I envisioned when I renamed my fb page.  I often feel empowered by my ADHD, but in what way am I truly mighty?  I don't know anyone who can lose keys with the expertise I do. 

When my wife parks behind me and I have to leave before her in the morning, I would much rather just take her car than move it out of the way.  Unfortunately, this often means I have to wake her up to move it.  If I do it, there's a good chance I'll take her keys to work with me instead of putting them back where they go. 
The other side to this is that I have found various keys, not having a clue what they belong to.  last year I found the spare keys to a car I hadn't owned for several years! 

Honestly though, it's not just keys.  The worst is when you leave your kid in the car as you run into a store where your ex is dropping off your other kid.  I've done it.  It was for like 5 min, and I about vomitted when I realized what I had done.  That's the worst.  The worst ever.  I shudder thinking about it even now, 6 years later.

And on a less scary note, what's could be more frustrating than losing your glasses???  When you lose your keys, you don't need your keys to look for them (hopefully).  When you lose your wallet, you don't need your wallet to find it. but when you lose your glasses...

How are you supposed to see where they might have gone if you can't see without them? It's like looking for a flashlight in the dark...

Do you see the flashlight?

I am cursed with (I feel) the worst of the ADHD symptoms: Forgetfullness.  You could show me a baby picture of one of my kids, and I wouldn't be able to tell you who it is, just that it's my daughter.  You could ask me what I had for dinner last night, and unless I made it from scratch or REALLY enjoyed it or hated it, I probably wouldn't remember.  So of course, if things aren't put in a designated place, they could be lost forever.

In fact, there was more I was going to write in this entry, if only I could find my notes...

I am not disabled. Are you?

One hugely debated topic I've come across is whether or not ADHD is considered a disability. Considering that ADHD is more of a spectrum (having varying levels of intensity) I would imagine this would vary depending on the severity of the ADHD in an individual, and would ultimately depend on our idea of disability and what it means to be disabled.

What happens when we disable something?  When an alarm system is disabled, it no longer prevents entry.  When a Bomb is disabled, it can no longer go off. To me, being disabled means the inability to produce an expected action or result.

Scared Out of My Mind

One of my worst nightmares came true last weekend.  Someone very dear to me was in the hospital after suffering a heart attack.  It was my dad.  He is ok, and even after having a heart attack has a stronger heart than most people, but I was pretty scared.  And if you thought having ADHD could make me a basketcase, you ain't seen nothing!

I have not been able to focus to save my life.  I have been trying to cope with this huge event, and my mind ist still trying to wrap around the fact that this really happened, and thus having a hard time processing anything else. I have to wonder if I've just experienced something similar to the different between an "NT" and someone with ADHD? 

Field Trip Nightmares

I don't recall the exact moment I began to hate field trips.  As far back as I can remember, they were a source of anxiety for me.  I did not know how to act around my fellow students without the structure and oversight of a classroom environment.  The last fieldtrip I remember going on was in 1st or 2nd grade, to a small theme park in Southern California.  I don't even remember what it was like.  Then there was the nightmarish "6th Grade Camping trip".  I made a cool little leather something-or-other, stamped with a bull.  Everything else sucked.  I would get this pent up energy and have no idea what to do with it.  Being the new kid (I had just moved to IL from California at the begining of that school year) it was already difficult to fit in, and being a goofball on top of that... well, that camping trip put the fear of fieldtrips in me for good. 


 




my first photo edit attempt is almost as sad as the face I'm making LOL

    

The Illness that Can't be Seen

The Semantics and criticism involved in AD(H)D amaze me.  So many choose to nitpick over so much.  It's an illness/disease.  It's a disorder.  It's a Spectrum.  It exists.  It doesn't exist.  For those of us who are diagnosed with either ADD and/or ADHD, this one thing is constant: It's real.

I will save the Illness/disorder/spectrum discussion for another post, and probably another blogger LOL.  But here's a story about what's real.


I was diagnosed with ADD at the age of 5.  My grandmother, being the old school rockstar she was, denied the existence of ADD and believed I just needed rigid discipline.  Lots of people with ADD see positive results with devout religious structure, joining a convent or other religious order (monks etc).  Others see great results in the military.  Discipline and a rigid schedule can go a long way.  I, however, was 5 years old.  Grandma had her work cut out for her. 

Music and Motivation. with a side of bacon.

I've mentioned before that I find motivation in Music.  I listen to various genres, but mostly classic rock and metal.  I recently came across a perfect song for my running playlist: My Curse, by Killswitch Engage. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPW9AbRMwFU

now, I'm normally picky about my preferred music, and one hard to bypass guideline is I need to understand the words.  So listen to the song (link above) while you read on.

  Imagine you are running.  Determined.  Angry. Amped.  This song comes on in your headphones.  You've been mad at yourself for letting poor health get the best of you.  All this pent up energy, waiting to explode.  You fall into the beat.  The guitar guides you through your thoughts.  You don't even realize you are running faster, breathing harder.  The more the song picks up, the less focused you are on the lyrics, letting the sounds just wash over you.  You fight the urge to stomp you feet into the ground with the line "THIS IS MY CURSE" and as the song goes on you can feel it.  You don't feel tired.  You only know the energy of the music, and the rhythm of your breathing.  By the end of the song, you've run almost a mile.  Before the song came on, you were thinking of stopping.

This is what a song can do for me.  It's like self-medicating (another popular topic in the ADD/HD sector).  Just enough distraction to maintain focus on the task at hand, but at the same time full of the same anger and energy that I am.  Whatever soreness I was feeling recedes to the back of my mind, overpowered by the auditory stimulation.  I can only process so many things, and my body's movement and the sound of music are the easiest to focus on. 

Now take another song.

Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Moon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLOth-BuCNY

The song takes over a minute to fully pick up.  At which point, it's ultra soothing.  Now if you're hiking in the woods, or going for a light jog, and are completely happy or immensely high, this song is great.  I cannot run and listen to this song.  At. All.  But, I can relax.  oh yeah.  I can sit in a chair, close my eyes, and experience all the different components of this song.  Not afraid to care, just like the 2nd line says.  I can imagine the rabbit running, I can imagine the end of work, only to find there's more work to be had.  I can essentially reflect on life, and the continuous cycles it contains.  This song motivates me... to do absolutely nothing.  And the type of auditory stimulation emulates complete relaxation.  It's like I'm being programmed to chill out.

Some people might be reading this and think "yeah, that's pretty much what listening to music is like for anyone".  I disagree.  When I was medicated, music, food, even cigarettes and alcohol, really did nothing for me.  Sure I liked listening to music, but didn't need to to run.  As I came off Medication, I found the ONLY way I could complete my homework was to have something to snack on or music to listen to.  The music fills an empty part of my being, allowing me to focus on what I need to.  Depending on the type of music, it can also provide the extra adrenaline or excitement to get things done more quickly or more aggressively.  It literally becomes a part of me.

  I don't just hear it with my ears, I feel it. 

I can't think of an effective way to end this, so:

The bacon song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3DAjQhChRs

Blog of inappropriate proportions (adult content)

What is appropriate?  It has been confirmed by many that I have a faulty filter.  Yet, I might argue that my filter is better than most peoples'.  Think of this: My mind thinks of more inappropriate things than most peoples.  I'll agree to that.  Yet of those inapporpriate ideas, I share very little.  A select view will know I'm all about "What she said", toilet humor, and adult nonsense.  Here's an examply of what I don't share:

I mean, that's funny, but I wouldn't want my parents to see it.  (well, too late, now that it's here).  The point is, there are times when I'm not considerred the most professional individual out there.  Some people embrace my sense of humor, and thus I have an outlet. 

Maybe you can relate?  Maybe you've had those times (probably several if you have ADD) when you were caught up in the moment with a group of friends and just spouted off the first funny thing that came to mind, and not one person found it funny.  It's like if I were talking to a few churchy people, who were engaged in the drama of the local congregation, when I put my 2 cents in:

Accountability and soup

How does one hold themselves accountable in this day and age, with so many distractions?  So many opportunities to stray from or procrastinate with a commitment? 

My Accountability Deficit Disorder has always been best handled when someone else holds me accountable.  Obviously, as a grown man, this is a problem.  My wife is not my babysitter (though she may feel like it sometimes), neither is my boss, or anyone else for that matter.  While that would make my life easier, that is not the way the world works. 

I could try an ADD/HD coach...?  I will definitely put a pin in that idea and revisit it in the future.

I want to be able to hold myself accountable, and I can't if I rely on everyone else all the time.  Right?  Right.


Here's a picture:

So, the point (which I actually remembered!) is this:

Manic Monday, or Super Me

It's odd how I get the most done on the busiest day of the week.  Wait, let me rephrase that, it's kind of a "duh" statement.

It's odd that, while at work, on Monday, the busiest day for us, I get the most non-work-related stuff done.

Maybe it's the Manic Monday mindset.  We as average m-f 9-5'ers are accustomed to "The Mondays."  We expect to have a lot to do, and a strong desire to not work, which we will have to set aside and get things done.  Is that same "Deal with it" attitude associated with surviving Monday also making it easier to focus on schoolwork and life?

Crazy Manic Hungry Thoughful Helpful Tired Hyper Confused Regretful. And then there was Ritalin.

What does ADHD feel like?  You know, I can count on one hand the number of people who have ever asked me that.  I always hope this blog will enlighten people who want to know, and there are certainly those whom I want to know me better, but in the end, I have come to rely on this blog more for my own sanity.

Right now. 

It's 5pm (ish) and I'm friggin Manic.  I am Crazy.  I am hungry, thoughtful,  oh wait... you read the title?  Perfect. 

Moving along...

Squirrel: The return

No, this is not a sequel, as I forgot to write the first one.  Fitting, right?

What is it about squirrels that is so relate-able to those with A.D.D. and AD/HD (yes, I like the rock n roll abbreviation more)?  It's the squirrel demeanor.  Darting here and there.  Seemingly without a plan.  Sometimes social, sometimes scared beyond words.  There is also

Mania

So I am having one of THOSE days.  You know what I'm talking about...  I can't stop moving.  Talking. Typing.  Liking FB posts.  Sharing FB posts...  Posting fb posts (yes I spend my idle time on Facebook if you haven't noticed). 

What's my motivation?

 

This is a previously written post that I felt I did a poor job with.  It was inspired by a response I had via facebook, and I don't feel I did that response justice.  My comments reflect how I relate to that feedback I had received, and has been changed to be more of a response, in style.  I'm still getting the hang of all this, so thanks for your patience.  I am sure many can understand, given the circumstances ;)

 

 The only time I'm motivated to get stuff done is when I've let it go so long that I'm mad enough to blast through it, or when someone's going to be visiting.  Either way, things get to the point that they are frustrating.  If there is no company coming over, and a kitchen full of dishes, I still want to get it done.  But there's this force inside that says "meh, no one else is doing it, why should you?"

The answer is this: Because I'm the one who wants it done, at least in that particular moment.

Pills do not provide motivation.  This is absolute, to me.  Pills gave me the ability to focus.  To concentrate.  My motivation, however, came from my parents, my teachers, my coach.  Now it comes from my parents and my managers at work.  It comes from my readers and friends.  It does not come from within.  Sometimes I feel like I need a babysitter to follow me around and make sure I stay on task.  I've said before that Freedom is perhaps the worst thing to happen to a young adult with ADHD.  It's addicting!

The best trick I ever learned was to get mad at myself to be motivated to do something.  I care about the state of my home, and my relationship with my family.  And I hate myself for not being the person I constantly wish I was.  It's not for lack of desire.  I know there are other's out there who feel like this!  You are not alone!

The power of the mind is, well, powerful!  It's harnessing that power that is the hard part.  Routine, routine, routine.  Structure is crucial.  I don't need a Dr. or Psych. or shrink to tell me that.  I have only to look back on my life, the times I had structure, and the times i didn't, and see the difference.

As always, thanks for reading!