Anyone who's taken a break from their meds will get this...
I recently experienced a life-altering event. I'm not sure why it's still affecting me, since it's over with, and life has gone on with no injury, torment, sadness, or any other insanity which would cause me duress. Yet here I am, still unable to function. It's started affecting my work life. My blogging. This morning I wrote and rewrote a blog 3 times, each time less cohesive than the last. I am second guessing myself constantly. I do not have the time or money to undergo any non-med treatment, and so it may come down to a decision to take up the ritalin coat of arms once more.
Essentially I feel like I did when I first tried to stop taking meds for my ADHD. I attempted to quit cold turkey, and the effects were immense. Concentrate? What's that? Focus? yeah, right...
That's where I am now. Luckily, I have well developed habits to get through the day. Even so, I feel like I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I have reverted back to focusing on people's lack of understanding my thought process. I have created discussions and arguments where none were needed. Much like the depression that sets in during the winter months, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.
Of course I can maintain a facade. I can act like everything's good. Those who really have an "in" to my behaviours, however, know the truth. My manager is one, for sure. I've been making stupid mistakes regarding processes I've been doing since I started working here. Mistakes that have no excuse. I'm mixing up my kids' names (more than usual), forgetting what I was saying mid sentence, and spacing out in the middle of conversations. It's like I'm re-experiencing ADHD for the first time. And it's exhausting. It doesn't help that I've been depriving myself of sleep. Luckily I've been eating fairly well, however I have reintroduced an unhealthy amount of sugar into my diet. I still get a great balance of everything else I should have, especially Vegetables and fish. If not for this, I'd be a complete Basketcase. I feel like my mental functions are deteriorating. It's a helpless feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I wrote this Morning about semantics, word usage, choosing your battles, all somewhat tied together in my mind, evolved into 3 seperate attempts at 1 blog entry. All of which disintegrated as I wrote. I can't retain a thought. I can't even tell you what I've done so far today at work. I know I have been putting music on my phone (I lost my iPod) and I know I have a vacation which starts Thursday. I can tell you the important stuff about my life, my job, my family... the things I've been thoroughly trained on. Holding on to it while I explain, however, is difficult. Typing this was difficult. I started it 3 hours ago. And now, 20 min after the last sentence, I've had to reread the whole thing to remember what my point is (if I even have one).
So I will leave it at this: ADHD has been a pain in my ass lately. That's pretty much all. And when I put it that way, it seems easier to address.
my experience growing up with AD(H)D. The hype of diagnosis, the battle to decide for or against meds, and of course the random ranting and raving that comes to mind here and there
And yet, what a great post full of feeling and honesty. Thanks for the share.
ReplyDeleteThank you Susan! It's times like this that all who have ADHD go though, and I like to try to put it all in writing so people know they aren't alone (which it can feel like sometimes) and to counter that feeling of "no one understands me". It helps me to know that I can still turn these days into something productive.
ReplyDeleteThank you Andrew, you are helping me to know I am not alone. One day at work, I actually did something like a really loud groan in frustration with my inability to be efficient, and then I thought, wow, I wonder what that sounded like to the people around me. Thankfully, one of my many bosses was gracious about it. I think it helps that I work at a pharmacy, so they all pretty much understand what ADHD/ADD is about. When I first started working there, it was a bit of a nightmare, but now that they know I have it, things have improved.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a toss up as to whether my coworkers woyld support me or discriminate. Luckily my current job is extremely public about its diverse workforce, and are even willing to adjust my circumstances at work to help me cope with ADHD. I'm glad things ate working out for you!
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