To Fail at Sky Diving

How many of you are country fans?  Ever hear the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw?  Inspiring, right?  Wrong.  Nightmares. 

Many people with ADHD deal with depression and/or a heightened imagination.  Dreams of violence, suicide, etc. can put us on the edge or make us wonder if we don't have some deep down violent tendencies.  I just have the nightmares.  Waking nightmares.   The other day I was listeing to this song, and thinking about what it would be like to go skydiving.  My dad just had a heart attack a month or so ago, and of course, this reiterated the mortal fear in me.  So here I was, kind of daydreaming about going Skydiving with my dad.  The cargo/jump door opened, and I without my chute got sucked out, as my dad hopelessly watched his only son fall away.  As I came out of the daymare, I was left with the sense of him jumping after me, chute on his back and an extra in his hand... but did he reach me?  I'm willing to bet my dad would jump out of a plane if he though he could save me.  Did he reach me?  Of course now I'm thinking of myself and if I were in his shoes and it were one of my daughters.  The images are so vivid I could scream. 

This has recently come up in conversation in one of the groups I regularly participate in online.  An individual had been having violent or depressing dreams, and was wondering if, deep down, she was suicidal.  I won't go into further detail but it made me realize I am not alone with the mightmares and the morbid imagination.  It was interesting to see the comments on that thread.  They were so supportive.  The general consensus was there that if she truly believed she was capable of self harm or harm to others, to seek professional advice.  However, beyond that, there was support.  "You aren't alone, I have those dreams too" kind of comments.  I shared some of my nightmares, daymares, and fears as did others, and I feel like we all kinda changed her thoughts from "What if I'm suicidal?" to "These are the things I fear the most."  When we fear something so strongly, we are not likely to act it out, but rather shy away from it in the waking world. 

My nightmares are almost always about witnessing the violent death of my loved ones, or falling to my own death.  When I even have the slightest thought of harm coming to my kids, I can't bear to look at them, because I see it all over again.  I often wonder why I can't imagine nice things.  Anxiety maybe?

So, here I am in my ADHD mind wondering where I'm going with this, and really, it all boils down to two things.

Assume the best about yourself, not the worst; surround yourself with people who will motivate and relate.

You are not alone.  Whether it's finding something so wonderful it's almost addicting (like Pink Floyd Music) or so awful you wake up screaming, there's someone out there who can relate.