the absent-minded poet

Some times, the weirdest things come to mind...  I shared this today in a group online...

I am 34. aged to perfection.
Bacon does NOT give me an erection
Selfies are not a thing that I do,
and I get obsessive when talking 'bout poo.
Poetry's nice, I think mine's quite simple,
It pops into my mind like the puss from a pimple.
I write a blog and it's all about me
and my battle ongoing with ADHD
I love to eat bacon, drink liquor, and run
though not in that order... that wouldn't be fun
to run full of bacon would sicken me so
Bacon, post-run, is delightful though.
so I'm young, and I'm bald, I'm a father of 3
I'd type so much more, but I really must pee.


you know, when I was in high school, I actually wrote a lot of poetry.  Some of it was really lame.  some was disturbing, and some was pretty decent.  I've always been good with rhymes.  These days I put it out there fairly regularly that I love Bacon.  There's been this rash of posts in this particular group about guessing people's age, which I just don't understand.  Then this poem just came to me. one line at a time.  In the middle of perusing the ADHD facebook group and watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. 

Poetry was a good outlet for me.  Anything driven by emotion or confusion or just being downright silly is good for the ADHD mind.  We so often have a habit of saying too much, too soon.  The more we get that out of our system on our own, the better equipped we are to say the right thing, or to keep quiet when necessary.  It could also be great practice for witty conversations and comedy stand-up...

To me, the funniest thing about this poem is I won't be 34 for another month LOL

Master of the Lost Keys

I know, it probably seems like a silly title.  but imagine, if you will, He-Man, with all his might.  Now imagine that the only might he has is that he MIGHT know where his keys are.  That's what I envisioned when I renamed my fb page.  I often feel empowered by my ADHD, but in what way am I truly mighty?  I don't know anyone who can lose keys with the expertise I do. 

When my wife parks behind me and I have to leave before her in the morning, I would much rather just take her car than move it out of the way.  Unfortunately, this often means I have to wake her up to move it.  If I do it, there's a good chance I'll take her keys to work with me instead of putting them back where they go. 
The other side to this is that I have found various keys, not having a clue what they belong to.  last year I found the spare keys to a car I hadn't owned for several years! 

Honestly though, it's not just keys.  The worst is when you leave your kid in the car as you run into a store where your ex is dropping off your other kid.  I've done it.  It was for like 5 min, and I about vomitted when I realized what I had done.  That's the worst.  The worst ever.  I shudder thinking about it even now, 6 years later.

And on a less scary note, what's could be more frustrating than losing your glasses???  When you lose your keys, you don't need your keys to look for them (hopefully).  When you lose your wallet, you don't need your wallet to find it. but when you lose your glasses...

How are you supposed to see where they might have gone if you can't see without them? It's like looking for a flashlight in the dark...

Do you see the flashlight?

I am cursed with (I feel) the worst of the ADHD symptoms: Forgetfullness.  You could show me a baby picture of one of my kids, and I wouldn't be able to tell you who it is, just that it's my daughter.  You could ask me what I had for dinner last night, and unless I made it from scratch or REALLY enjoyed it or hated it, I probably wouldn't remember.  So of course, if things aren't put in a designated place, they could be lost forever.

In fact, there was more I was going to write in this entry, if only I could find my notes...

I am not disabled. Are you?

One hugely debated topic I've come across is whether or not ADHD is considered a disability. Considering that ADHD is more of a spectrum (having varying levels of intensity) I would imagine this would vary depending on the severity of the ADHD in an individual, and would ultimately depend on our idea of disability and what it means to be disabled.

What happens when we disable something?  When an alarm system is disabled, it no longer prevents entry.  When a Bomb is disabled, it can no longer go off. To me, being disabled means the inability to produce an expected action or result.

Field Trip Nightmares

I don't recall the exact moment I began to hate field trips.  As far back as I can remember, they were a source of anxiety for me.  I did not know how to act around my fellow students without the structure and oversight of a classroom environment.  The last fieldtrip I remember going on was in 1st or 2nd grade, to a small theme park in Southern California.  I don't even remember what it was like.  Then there was the nightmarish "6th Grade Camping trip".  I made a cool little leather something-or-other, stamped with a bull.  Everything else sucked.  I would get this pent up energy and have no idea what to do with it.  Being the new kid (I had just moved to IL from California at the begining of that school year) it was already difficult to fit in, and being a goofball on top of that... well, that camping trip put the fear of fieldtrips in me for good. 


 




my first photo edit attempt is almost as sad as the face I'm making LOL

    

The Illness that Can't be Seen

The Semantics and criticism involved in AD(H)D amaze me.  So many choose to nitpick over so much.  It's an illness/disease.  It's a disorder.  It's a Spectrum.  It exists.  It doesn't exist.  For those of us who are diagnosed with either ADD and/or ADHD, this one thing is constant: It's real.

I will save the Illness/disorder/spectrum discussion for another post, and probably another blogger LOL.  But here's a story about what's real.


I was diagnosed with ADD at the age of 5.  My grandmother, being the old school rockstar she was, denied the existence of ADD and believed I just needed rigid discipline.  Lots of people with ADD see positive results with devout religious structure, joining a convent or other religious order (monks etc).  Others see great results in the military.  Discipline and a rigid schedule can go a long way.  I, however, was 5 years old.  Grandma had her work cut out for her. 

Music and Motivation. with a side of bacon.

I've mentioned before that I find motivation in Music.  I listen to various genres, but mostly classic rock and metal.  I recently came across a perfect song for my running playlist: My Curse, by Killswitch Engage. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPW9AbRMwFU

now, I'm normally picky about my preferred music, and one hard to bypass guideline is I need to understand the words.  So listen to the song (link above) while you read on.

  Imagine you are running.  Determined.  Angry. Amped.  This song comes on in your headphones.  You've been mad at yourself for letting poor health get the best of you.  All this pent up energy, waiting to explode.  You fall into the beat.  The guitar guides you through your thoughts.  You don't even realize you are running faster, breathing harder.  The more the song picks up, the less focused you are on the lyrics, letting the sounds just wash over you.  You fight the urge to stomp you feet into the ground with the line "THIS IS MY CURSE" and as the song goes on you can feel it.  You don't feel tired.  You only know the energy of the music, and the rhythm of your breathing.  By the end of the song, you've run almost a mile.  Before the song came on, you were thinking of stopping.

This is what a song can do for me.  It's like self-medicating (another popular topic in the ADD/HD sector).  Just enough distraction to maintain focus on the task at hand, but at the same time full of the same anger and energy that I am.  Whatever soreness I was feeling recedes to the back of my mind, overpowered by the auditory stimulation.  I can only process so many things, and my body's movement and the sound of music are the easiest to focus on. 

Now take another song.

Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Moon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLOth-BuCNY

The song takes over a minute to fully pick up.  At which point, it's ultra soothing.  Now if you're hiking in the woods, or going for a light jog, and are completely happy or immensely high, this song is great.  I cannot run and listen to this song.  At. All.  But, I can relax.  oh yeah.  I can sit in a chair, close my eyes, and experience all the different components of this song.  Not afraid to care, just like the 2nd line says.  I can imagine the rabbit running, I can imagine the end of work, only to find there's more work to be had.  I can essentially reflect on life, and the continuous cycles it contains.  This song motivates me... to do absolutely nothing.  And the type of auditory stimulation emulates complete relaxation.  It's like I'm being programmed to chill out.

Some people might be reading this and think "yeah, that's pretty much what listening to music is like for anyone".  I disagree.  When I was medicated, music, food, even cigarettes and alcohol, really did nothing for me.  Sure I liked listening to music, but didn't need to to run.  As I came off Medication, I found the ONLY way I could complete my homework was to have something to snack on or music to listen to.  The music fills an empty part of my being, allowing me to focus on what I need to.  Depending on the type of music, it can also provide the extra adrenaline or excitement to get things done more quickly or more aggressively.  It literally becomes a part of me.

  I don't just hear it with my ears, I feel it. 

I can't think of an effective way to end this, so:

The bacon song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3DAjQhChRs

Blog of inappropriate proportions (adult content)

What is appropriate?  It has been confirmed by many that I have a faulty filter.  Yet, I might argue that my filter is better than most peoples'.  Think of this: My mind thinks of more inappropriate things than most peoples.  I'll agree to that.  Yet of those inapporpriate ideas, I share very little.  A select view will know I'm all about "What she said", toilet humor, and adult nonsense.  Here's an examply of what I don't share:

I mean, that's funny, but I wouldn't want my parents to see it.  (well, too late, now that it's here).  The point is, there are times when I'm not considerred the most professional individual out there.  Some people embrace my sense of humor, and thus I have an outlet. 

Maybe you can relate?  Maybe you've had those times (probably several if you have ADD) when you were caught up in the moment with a group of friends and just spouted off the first funny thing that came to mind, and not one person found it funny.  It's like if I were talking to a few churchy people, who were engaged in the drama of the local congregation, when I put my 2 cents in:

College: What does four years really get you?

The topic of school came up today, and I've been thinking about my current course of study.  The genereal course.  One which does not require specific foreign language classes, or high level math (which to me is calculus and statistics).  A Bachelor Degree of General Studies.  I like to call it A Degree of Distraction.  (ADD, perfect!)

College, for me, was always a point of internal conflict.  Because I looked at it wrong.  I wanted to get out of retail.  I knew that for sure.  I had doubts that a journalism degree would get me something I enjoyed that paid well (I like to write, obviously, but for fun, under no pressure to perform).  Law and Medicine just weren't worth the time involved.  I thought for sure that a business major was the only way to go.  Which required Business Statistics (Which I managed to pass with a C for my AA) and business Calculus (the only class I have ever failed, luckily I was able to withdraw before getting stuck with an F on my transcipt), along with who know what additional accounting and economics classes (Accounting: one of few topics I have ever managed to get a C in...).  As you can see I'm very Grade Oriented, and anxious about trying to learn things that hold 0 appeal.  So I pretty much forgot about college and set forth to work for a living.    So here I was, 3 years ago, knowing that if I want to be promoted very far within my current company (which I happen to like), I would need a degree. 

Here's where the politics of College really started to become clear to me.

Accountability and soup

How does one hold themselves accountable in this day and age, with so many distractions?  So many opportunities to stray from or procrastinate with a commitment? 

My Accountability Deficit Disorder has always been best handled when someone else holds me accountable.  Obviously, as a grown man, this is a problem.  My wife is not my babysitter (though she may feel like it sometimes), neither is my boss, or anyone else for that matter.  While that would make my life easier, that is not the way the world works. 

I could try an ADD/HD coach...?  I will definitely put a pin in that idea and revisit it in the future.

I want to be able to hold myself accountable, and I can't if I rely on everyone else all the time.  Right?  Right.


Here's a picture:

So, the point (which I actually remembered!) is this:

Manic Monday, or Super Me

It's odd how I get the most done on the busiest day of the week.  Wait, let me rephrase that, it's kind of a "duh" statement.

It's odd that, while at work, on Monday, the busiest day for us, I get the most non-work-related stuff done.

Maybe it's the Manic Monday mindset.  We as average m-f 9-5'ers are accustomed to "The Mondays."  We expect to have a lot to do, and a strong desire to not work, which we will have to set aside and get things done.  Is that same "Deal with it" attitude associated with surviving Monday also making it easier to focus on schoolwork and life?

Squirrel: The return

No, this is not a sequel, as I forgot to write the first one.  Fitting, right?

What is it about squirrels that is so relate-able to those with A.D.D. and AD/HD (yes, I like the rock n roll abbreviation more)?  It's the squirrel demeanor.  Darting here and there.  Seemingly without a plan.  Sometimes social, sometimes scared beyond words.  There is also

What's my motivation?

 

This is a previously written post that I felt I did a poor job with.  It was inspired by a response I had via facebook, and I don't feel I did that response justice.  My comments reflect how I relate to that feedback I had received, and has been changed to be more of a response, in style.  I'm still getting the hang of all this, so thanks for your patience.  I am sure many can understand, given the circumstances ;)

 

 The only time I'm motivated to get stuff done is when I've let it go so long that I'm mad enough to blast through it, or when someone's going to be visiting.  Either way, things get to the point that they are frustrating.  If there is no company coming over, and a kitchen full of dishes, I still want to get it done.  But there's this force inside that says "meh, no one else is doing it, why should you?"

The answer is this: Because I'm the one who wants it done, at least in that particular moment.

Pills do not provide motivation.  This is absolute, to me.  Pills gave me the ability to focus.  To concentrate.  My motivation, however, came from my parents, my teachers, my coach.  Now it comes from my parents and my managers at work.  It comes from my readers and friends.  It does not come from within.  Sometimes I feel like I need a babysitter to follow me around and make sure I stay on task.  I've said before that Freedom is perhaps the worst thing to happen to a young adult with ADHD.  It's addicting!

The best trick I ever learned was to get mad at myself to be motivated to do something.  I care about the state of my home, and my relationship with my family.  And I hate myself for not being the person I constantly wish I was.  It's not for lack of desire.  I know there are other's out there who feel like this!  You are not alone!

The power of the mind is, well, powerful!  It's harnessing that power that is the hard part.  Routine, routine, routine.  Structure is crucial.  I don't need a Dr. or Psych. or shrink to tell me that.  I have only to look back on my life, the times I had structure, and the times i didn't, and see the difference.

As always, thanks for reading!

Get over it

Some of the best advice I've ever given, or been given, is to get over it.  Granted, usually this is said with the least possible amount of tact, in the end, it is the best advice to follow 99% of the time.

Last night, I went to bed practically shaking with anger.  After a rough discussion through social media messaging (one of the worst ways to have an important conversation, but since I initiated it there, there it remained) I was told to "Get over it."  I was pretty upset.

What to do...

Do you ever have those days where you have something you want to do, but just don’t get to it for all the distractions the day throws your way?  This blog was going to be about Music and the vital role it plays in the day to day for me, but that will have to wait until tomorrow.  Otherwise I will forget about this LOL.

When it gets slow, I tend to pass the time watching a few programs on TV.  I did so this morning, planning on writing the blog entry afterwards.  I knew I should stop and write, but when the next show came up, I found myself watching it.  I read earlier today that many with ADHD have a hard time saying no.  I also have found I have a hard time doing what I should, when there is something I’d rather do, especially if it requires less energy.  Dishes pile up, laundry is left unfolded.  This is something that I’ve recently decided I would endeavor to work passed.  And yet here I am, the morning is gone, it’s after 5pm, and I’m just getting to it.  This isn’t how I intended to spend my day, and yet still I could not stop what I was doing.  Even now I have pretty much lost interest in what I’m trying to write and have to force myself to continue.  This is something that’s been an issue for me as long as I can remember, but I’ve never really made a conscious effort do overcome it.  I find myself at a bit of a loss, as I’ve resolved to stay away from medication.  My efforts to make other changes to my life to be healthier have not worked out so well either.  I always decide to sleep in and eat fast.  I will continue to endeavor, but I am afraid of the outcome.  Win or lose, this should be an epic battle to gain control over myself.  I’m sure some of it will be blogworthy…

Triggers: an Epiphany

I made a breakthrough realization yesterday. 

So here I am, getting annoyed with my wife.  She's acting out of sorts and of course I'm just laying there in bed last night dwelling on it.  Then I realized, I was acting the same way she was.  Huffing and puffing and being antisocial.  So this is how I realized that she was having a bad day, by how frustrated I was getting.  There are few things I dislike more than my wife's unhappiness.  I think, subconsciously I've always gotten defensive about it.  Now I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking back on all the times we get into arguments.  It usually starts with one of us being in a bad mood, and the other taking it personally.  ESPECIALLY ME. 

What I wouldn't give to be that husband who is always calming.  That husband who is the rock of the family.  kids respect him, wife depends on him and appreciates him, because he is constantly showing his appreciation for her.  We all know that perfect husband image: never gets mad, always puts the needs of his wife and kids before his own, breaks everything he tries to fix.  I don't fix enough things to screw up on that end...

Living at Home: Moving in with Mom ...ANNNDD Moving Back Out

I asked my mom for her input on what it was like having me move in with her as an adult.  Keep in mind, this was about 8 years ago, and only a glimpse at my relationship with her.  Things did not work out for us in this instance, however we are still close and I consider her one of my best friends.  Let me further preface this with the fact that communication had been lacking in our household most of my life, constantly being a source of destruction in its absence.

She began her account with high school.  She remembers things much differently than I do, which of course is because of our lack of communication at that time.  She relates her difficulty in watching me stumble and eventually fall in my steps toward graduation and ultimately college.  This also reflects my family’s high expectations of me in school.  Now, granted, I have already written about how my studies, etc. suffered in high school, however I still graduated with a cumulative B average, and tested out of math in my college entrance exams.  How many parents out there would see this as falling?  However, I think she is referring to what I have referred to in the past: the difficulty of staying on track, and the failings in focus and attendance in school.  It is also during this time that she and my dad divorced and she moved out.  So the difficulties I had, and the difficulties of living with me during this time, were her last memories of having me in the household.

  Now, fast forward almost 6 years.

Mommy's house, Daddy's house

So the title of this entry is actually the same as a great book I read regarding children with divorced parents and shared custody.  One thing that the book states: There is no single home.  There's Mommy's home and Daddy's home.  You're not visiting one place or the other, you live at these homes. 

So, when I say I left home in 2006, that's not to say I stayed in the same home until then.  In 2005, I realized that having a daughter with a woman I was no longer in a relationship with meant I had to start accepting responsibility above and beyond taking care of my self.  There was this beautiful little life that I needed to provide for and protect.  So I left my dad's house and moved in with my mom, working with her for 3x my former income, thus increasing my child support dramatically. This also led me to a brilliant insight: Mommy's house is not the same and Daddy's house.  Yes, both are home, but the structure is sometimes different.  Hold that thought.

Living at Home: Moving out - Aannnnd Moving back...

I'm moving out!  The excitement that comes with this statement the first time we acheive freedom and independance is one-of-a-kind.  I remember I was 19 or 20 when I first moved out.  Now, my parents were well versed in the needs of an adolecent with ADHD, and I had a well-structured childhood.  With their divorce in high school, I lost the respect I had for that structure and for my parents.  I began my rush to get out shortly after graduating.  I was living with my dad at the time, trying to go to college but constantly dropping all my classes.  I couldn't handle the freedom that came from College.  No all day/ attendance mandatory or you get suspended/ report cards sent home to parents to keep me in line.  I would get bored and stop going to class, eventually dropping them all.  In the meantime, I would pick up more hours at work.  I soon realized that I could earn a decent income just working, and opted out of school altogether.  My dad was less than pleased when I announced I was moving into an apartment with my girlfriend of two months, and looking back, who could blame him?  No degree, working two part time jobs, and moving out.  I was excited!

So I mentioned structure. No school, no full time employment, and freedom from rules is not the life for the unprepared ADHD tween.  I was regularly late for work, when I wasn't calling in sick.  I dabbled in drugs, partied fairly regularly, ate poorly; I just generally took poor care of myself and my life.  When things weren't working out with my girlfriend, my best friend took her place as my room mate.  Of course, I wasn't the greatest friend anymore, with my new found freedom and taste for fun...

Living at home: Support

Support is crucial to a person with A.D.H.D.  Especially when it comes to structure and routine.  These go hand in had for me. I have a place to charge my phone.  A place to hang my keys, wallet, phone, etc.  If for some reason i choose to charge my phone in another place, it could take me days to remember where. If I set my watch down to wash my hands, there is a good chance it will get left there.  A.D.H.D. makes me a creature of habit and muscle memory.  

Of course, who actually likes to keep things picked up, organized, with a place for everything and everything in it's place?

Anxiety!

10/22/13



Anxiety.  We all know it.  Some too well.

I get it before I have to leave for work.  Did I forget anything?  Before a race.  And recently, when registerring for classes. 

I somehow had it in my head that registration began in Oct.  I kept forgetting.  Then I would tell my wife "I need to register for classes." 

This went on for a week or so into October.  Then, one day, I selected my classes and registerred.  or tried to.  I got an error message stating I did not have an active registration session.  Then I remember an email I had received from my advisor stating registration starts mid-november.  All this stress for nothing.