my video introduction to EatLiveDreamADD.Wordpress.com

So this is both my announcement that I'm switching to EatLiveDreamADD.Wordpress.com and a peek at what I'm like in person.  So if you've ever wondered what I look or sound like, here ya go!



I will not be deleting this blog, however.  At least not for a while.  There will be a few files transferred, from here to the new blog, however I like the idea of a vlog so I might just continue using Blogger with YouTube to get that going, since I cannot upload videos at Wordpress. 



Thank you for the almost 10,000 pageviews since starting up in September of 2013, and I look forward to a new year of ADHD Adventures!

the absent-minded poet

Some times, the weirdest things come to mind...  I shared this today in a group online...

I am 34. aged to perfection.
Bacon does NOT give me an erection
Selfies are not a thing that I do,
and I get obsessive when talking 'bout poo.
Poetry's nice, I think mine's quite simple,
It pops into my mind like the puss from a pimple.
I write a blog and it's all about me
and my battle ongoing with ADHD
I love to eat bacon, drink liquor, and run
though not in that order... that wouldn't be fun
to run full of bacon would sicken me so
Bacon, post-run, is delightful though.
so I'm young, and I'm bald, I'm a father of 3
I'd type so much more, but I really must pee.


you know, when I was in high school, I actually wrote a lot of poetry.  Some of it was really lame.  some was disturbing, and some was pretty decent.  I've always been good with rhymes.  These days I put it out there fairly regularly that I love Bacon.  There's been this rash of posts in this particular group about guessing people's age, which I just don't understand.  Then this poem just came to me. one line at a time.  In the middle of perusing the ADHD facebook group and watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. 

Poetry was a good outlet for me.  Anything driven by emotion or confusion or just being downright silly is good for the ADHD mind.  We so often have a habit of saying too much, too soon.  The more we get that out of our system on our own, the better equipped we are to say the right thing, or to keep quiet when necessary.  It could also be great practice for witty conversations and comedy stand-up...

To me, the funniest thing about this poem is I won't be 34 for another month LOL

Baconlove

Rub Some Bacon on It: http://youtu.be/wSReSGe200A

One thing that, when you get to know me, is abundantly clear: I love bacon.  We all have something abnormal we almost obsess over, and for me that's bacon.  I have a bacon calendar on my desk at work, I have bacon flavored lip balm, bacon flavored floss, even a bacon air freshener in my car.  I share videos and memes about bacon, and do my part is spreading the word about the bacon revolution.

I know it's rediculous.  and in reality, I don't eat a whole lot of bacon (because then I'd get sick of it),  but it is great in everything as the primary ingredient (bacon and eggs, bacon pancakes, etc) or as a condiment or added flavor for salad or meatloaf or ice cream or anything edible. 

ADHD comes with the ability to hyperfocus, though we often don't realize it.  Even been able to read an 1100 page book front to back, before realizing you just spent about 13 hrs straight reading?  I've done that, and at the time had never heard the term hyperfocus.  Think about the things you are crazy about.  Toe socks? Bacon? Pizza?  Beer?  My daughter has a pencil collection, I have a rock collection and a shell collection.  Even our collecting hobbies can be reinforced by our ADHD, and can help treat it!  I digress...

Bacon.

Studies have shown bacon to provide therapy for many things from anxiety to PMS, and supports healthy pregnancy.  Bacon is a well known hangover remedy, as well as a cure for the common headache. 

go eat bacon, and experience a little piece of my world...

The beast has resurfaced

Why so serious?  I often ask myself this same question, but with much less enthusiasm, angst, and donut face then my daughter in the video above.  Lately I've found myself letting loose a bit, and I tell ya, it's weird. 

With me, it's all or nothing.  I am either in complete control or completely out of control.  There is no "just relax a little" when I get uptight or tired. Yesterday I let loose with a few videos I came across on facebook, with very little damage done.  However, offline, I was a complete waste.  I usually get a few hours of studying in each day, but yesterday I did none.  I joked around with my coworkers all day.  Some of you might say "so what?"  but now here I am, the next day, still having done nothing but eat a shitload of candy and goof around all morning, rippin out this gnarly blog on a whim with no real purpose... but some days are like that.  No purpose. 

I get like this sometimes and think about how different things were with meds and wonder why I ever wanted to stop.  Look at what I'm capable of, however, with a little freedom from the Ritalin Ball-and-Chain. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ-hhTbyzew&index=2&list=FLzIZ-1evkXb71_XphBsztUQ

I can't put the actual video on the blog because it's not listed, but it's my daughter and I performing Little Bunny Fufu in character...  Who does that?  Certainly not Medicated Andrew.  Just saying.  Then there's the Friends I've made.  I have to say I'm glad to have taken the time to get off meds and learn more about my "tribe" as we so affectionately refer to ourselves.  I have come to know more about myself and others like (and unlike) me with ADHD.

So as far as being medicated, I will continue not to be.  It's ok to be unsure though, from time to time. 

bacon.

Health Insurance, Big Brother, And you

A little Off Topic, I know; this is a conversation I've found myself getting sucked into more and more lately as my company's health insurance provider is going to be charging a surcharge for not submitting a biometric screening by enrollment.


Usually the Health Insurance conversation with a blogger in my "field" is more related to prescriptions, Doctors vs. Shrinks, and the like.  Not today.  In an expected turn of events, the health insurance provided by my employer has made changes which, in keeping with a long insurance tradition, will provide a way for the insurance money to make a little more money.  But this time, it's not through risk assessment, per se, but rather more like a parent saying to a child "I've had enough".  Health insurance is not cheap.  Not for the insured; and, increasingly, not for the insurer.  More and more people are getting sick, or just simply not taking care of themselves.  "It's rediculous that 'Big Brother' is getting in our business like this'".  

Road Rage 3: the invisible egg

Sometimes I feel like daytime drivers are all part of a union, which requires them to mess with people and just be all around douchbags on the road. 

I had to make a stop at the Dr's office this morning on the way to work.  First I get routed all over Northern Illinois because there is construction EVERYWHERE.  I've finally gotten back to the intersection that will put me on the road I need to get to the DR, and I see this dude driving backward down the wrong side of the road, through the intersection.  WTF?  I make my turn into the lane he was in, only to find out why he was driving backward... There was an accident.  Car was bent in half around a street light, and the fire truck that responded was blocking both lanes, so the road was closed and traffice was being diverted.  By now its too late for me to get out of it, so I'm stuck waiting for traffic to crawl by this accident (which occured at an intersection, so all for ways are being controlled by traffic cops.  It took me 45 min to drive a quarter mile  The dude in the car behind me is eating with his mouth open, spilling food all over himself. Gross.  I'm pretty sure the dudes in the car next to me are rolling a joint.  Really?  Really.
  So I did not have time to stop, and it took me 2 hrs to get to work instead of the anticipated ~75 min.  I didn't have an appt, just needed to pick something up, so the Dr. thing was no biggie.  But now, again, I'm detoured all over the suburbs trying to find a new route to work.

A Friend Worth Sharing my Bacon With

What does it mean to be a friend in 2014?  What does it mean to lose a friend?  to gain a friend?  Friendships can be a bitch to maintain these days.  First of all, people have to move where the work is.  Location is a huge factor in maintaining friendship.  Then, of course, none of us have money to actually go out and do things.  Lastly, technology has made us socially ignorant when outside the virtual world.  Now add ADHD.  What needs to be done to actually spend quality time with friends?  Well there's scheduling, remembering...  9 times out of 10, when I see an invite to an event or get a call to do something, I have to decline.  I'm either working, have something to do with the family, or I just don't have the money to come.  I care about my friends, but I hang out with my friends so rarely that I often feel awkward or "out of the loop."

 A perfect example (and really what inspired me to write this entry) was a recent wedding.

Dating and ADHD

How have I not touched on this?  Ever?

Dating with ADHD can be SUPER tough, or super easy, depending on how your life so far has affected your confidence and your social abilities.  I sucked.  I ruined a lot of friendships and relationships for the simple reason that I had no idea what I was doing.  I had no idea that hanging out with a girl would lead my girlfriend to think I was cheating.  I had no idea that when I started dating one of my best friends, I'd have to kiss her (regularly).  Then I grew up a little (or not at all LOL) and discoverred that even though I now knew these things, I could still not control myself enough to have a meaningful relationship.  I honestly wish I had learned what I know now when I was like, 11, so I wouldn't have spoiled so many opportunities as a teenager to actually have an enjoyable relationship.  I was drawn to people who were drawn to me.  Either those who were a bit socially awkward like myself, or complete narcissists who need the attention they got from a People Pleaser. The latter could never understand why I suddenly lost interest and accused me of not caring (which, at that point, was accurate).  The former expected who-knows-what from me and I didn't provide it, because neither of us ever knew how to talk to each other.  I'm glad my wife is awesome and we're married, because if I had to get back into the dating world these days, I wouldn't survive LOL.

My advice, based completely on my own experiences and probably not nearly applicable in anyone else's circumstances: Date often,  don't force it and don't go professing your love for the first boy or girl who gives you the time of day (otherwise everyone after becomes the new "love of your life" and you never get to learn what love is).  Relax and have a good time.  Don't be afraid to hold hand or give a kiss, and don't feel obligated to go any further than you're comfortable.  It should be a learning experience until your 20's (it WILL be a learning experience at least that long.  I'm 33 and still learning!)


On the flipside of things, if you are dating or married to someone with ADHD, understand their emotions and thought processes ARE NOT the same as yours (even if you have ADHD also) and remember that your relationship should- and hopefully will- be an enjoyable adventure from start to finish.  If it turns into a "Wrong Turn" kind of adventure, don't just let it be.  Fix it, and fix it together.  This can be done.  I've done it.  It's not easy, but knowing that ADHD relationships are high maintenance from the start will help you get through.  Communication is key.  Therapy may be needed.  You may experience a desire to throw away all the laundry that keeps piling up (and you're welcome to it, I hate laundry).  You may need time away (I call this "going fishing").  Don't be afraid.  Tough it out whenever possible, because afterward a successful relationship is all the more appreciated for the work you put into it.


Lastly,  Remember that there is ADHD involved.  Address your relationships just like you would anything else in your ADHD life.  Talk to your therapist, friends, or parents if that's what you do.  Be open and honest.  Do NOT judge. 

you'll be alright.

Finally (yes I just did that) remember that bacon will always be common ground for you to rebuild on.

Random epiphany: Utopia

How many times have you asked yourself, others, or have been asked: "What would you do if you won the lottery?" or "What would you do with $1billion?"   Are your first thoughts about your new luxury lifestyle or about helping your loved ones?  Are they about vacations?  Buying a plane, a nice car, or a big house? 

Every day I drive to and from work via a rural road, mostly through forest and field, thinking how nice it would be to have a few thousand acres of land to play with and do with what I please.  I have been thinking a lot about the economy lately, and my local ecology as well.  I have discoverred what my ideal life would be. Remember, this is ideal, not necessarily 100% realistic...

I would own 2-5 thousand acres of wetland/prairie ecology.  I would plant minimally, using only local, non invasive (ie silver maple and other trees which tend to take over) plants.  The land would be designated as a preserve, so would have to be in an area with protected wildlife (like wild horses) and I would live there with limited friends and family in a semi-communal lifestyle.  we'd provide our own agriculture.  There would be power, generated by the sun and wind.  Being a wetland, water would be well or stream, with a filtration system which requires minimal upkeep.  The filtration would begin where the water flows into the property, so everything in my ecosystem can experience clean water.  for those who still decided to work (say, to pay the property tax or maintenance costs of the land and lifestyle), there would be parking at the entrance, just like any state park or forest preserve.  The focus would be on clean living within a natural ecosystem.  There would be livestock (goats, sheep, horses, poultry) but also wildlife food sources (deer, berries, pheasants, etc).  We would live publicly (schooling, taxes, hospitals, etc) but with a minimal carbon footprint. 

why?

We are killing ourselves.  We pollute the land we live off of, and thus polute ourselves.  the people of the world need to retain the knowledge of how to care for the land and live off it.  We've lost touch with that.  Decades ago, the people who survived the Great Depression did so mostly because they knew how to be self sufficient.  They grew their own food and canned it for the winter.  They raised goats and chickens in their backyards.  They lived as extended families.  Recently, we had a large recession, and people panicked.  All you heard about was people being upside down in their mortgage, foreclosures, and the price of food and services going up.  People need to realize that they can save hundreds each month by planting a garden and owning a few chickens and goats for milk, eggs, and meat.  When society takes an enormous shit into the fan of life, I want to be among those who have time to duck.  Those who are self sufficient, yet still willing and able to contribute to society.

My Dream house would look something like this.

So my house would be solar powered.  My crops would have ditch irrigation. I would have Apples, berries, and various fruits and veggies like broccoli, tomatoes, celery, leafy greans, cucumbers, corn, peppers, chilis, peas, and squash; and of course roots like onions, potatoes, radishes.  I wouldn't use a microwave.  I'd have a fire-heated brick oven and an electric stove.  So of course there would also have to be plenty of hickory and oak on the land.  It'd be kinda like a commune, but not so cut off from society.  I'd maintain that connection so the reality of what today's society does, to the land and to each other, is always present.

So I guess this turned into a bit of a rant.  When I go to a forest preserve to run, or a river for tubing, I am at peace.  The less I see of societal impact on my surroundings, the happier I am. 

Maybe I need a Kickstart to make this a reality LOL!

To Fail at Sky Diving

How many of you are country fans?  Ever hear the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw?  Inspiring, right?  Wrong.  Nightmares. 

Many people with ADHD deal with depression and/or a heightened imagination.  Dreams of violence, suicide, etc. can put us on the edge or make us wonder if we don't have some deep down violent tendencies.  I just have the nightmares.  Waking nightmares.   The other day I was listeing to this song, and thinking about what it would be like to go skydiving.  My dad just had a heart attack a month or so ago, and of course, this reiterated the mortal fear in me.  So here I was, kind of daydreaming about going Skydiving with my dad.  The cargo/jump door opened, and I without my chute got sucked out, as my dad hopelessly watched his only son fall away.  As I came out of the daymare, I was left with the sense of him jumping after me, chute on his back and an extra in his hand... but did he reach me?  I'm willing to bet my dad would jump out of a plane if he though he could save me.  Did he reach me?  Of course now I'm thinking of myself and if I were in his shoes and it were one of my daughters.  The images are so vivid I could scream. 

This has recently come up in conversation in one of the groups I regularly participate in online.  An individual had been having violent or depressing dreams, and was wondering if, deep down, she was suicidal.  I won't go into further detail but it made me realize I am not alone with the mightmares and the morbid imagination.  It was interesting to see the comments on that thread.  They were so supportive.  The general consensus was there that if she truly believed she was capable of self harm or harm to others, to seek professional advice.  However, beyond that, there was support.  "You aren't alone, I have those dreams too" kind of comments.  I shared some of my nightmares, daymares, and fears as did others, and I feel like we all kinda changed her thoughts from "What if I'm suicidal?" to "These are the things I fear the most."  When we fear something so strongly, we are not likely to act it out, but rather shy away from it in the waking world. 

My nightmares are almost always about witnessing the violent death of my loved ones, or falling to my own death.  When I even have the slightest thought of harm coming to my kids, I can't bear to look at them, because I see it all over again.  I often wonder why I can't imagine nice things.  Anxiety maybe?

So, here I am in my ADHD mind wondering where I'm going with this, and really, it all boils down to two things.

Assume the best about yourself, not the worst; surround yourself with people who will motivate and relate.

You are not alone.  Whether it's finding something so wonderful it's almost addicting (like Pink Floyd Music) or so awful you wake up screaming, there's someone out there who can relate. 

Inspiration.

I realize that ADHD does not affect us all the same way.  Some people who read this face far more challenges than I do.  And some less.  Some of you may read my posts and think "This guy's nuts."

That may or may not be true.

Yet others may read this and think, "Man, I wish I had his problems." 

I try to write about the good and the bad that happens in my life.  One thing that remains consistent is why.  I write because there are those who are worse off who can't express their needs and frustrations.  I write to provide perspective to those who might not otherwise understand.  For those of you who struggle with OCD, Depression, Autism, and other spectrums, disorders, personalities, and/or handicaps: I love you all.  I write for you.  You are my heroes.  My inspiration.  I am able to joke about my ADHD, and do so gladly.  However, don't think for a minute that I don't take it seriously at the same time.  If my life is ever bad, there's someone out there who has it ten times worse.

I grew up as a runner, with a runner as a father.  When I would feel a little bleh about things, he'd notice.  We'd be driving and he'd see a homeless person walking down the street with Cerebral Palsy or some similar affliction (This specific example actually happened) and he point them out to me.  He'd say "Son, that's why we run.  We do it for the people who can't."  Thus he taught me that there are always people worse off, fighting a harder battle. 

So for those with similar issues to mine, and those without, remember this the next time you need motivation, inspiration, or if you just need to know you're worth it.  Someone else has it worse, and they are still living day to day like it matters.  Because it does.  Regardless of who you are, or what your superpower is, you matter.  Do not get down on yourself for the cards you're dealt.  Find something you can do, and do it for those who can't.  And for those who can't describe their ADHD, can't deal with their ADHD and Aspie child, know that I gladly represent you and recognize your battle, which in and of itself makes you a stronger person than I.

To the rest of you, please appreciate the situation of others and remember you may not know what they go through.  Rather than being judgy, be inspired.

Kudos to a great friend in the ADHD community

You may have seen this posted before, however it was terribly put together and I feel it did not do the subject justice.  Please give it another chance, and I highly recommend you follow the links...

Credit for all links, photos, and quotes goes to Tom Nardone.  Just sayin.


Once there was a man named Tom Nardone.  In fact, more than once, as there is still a man named Tom Nardone.  Well Shit, what a great start.  But this is how I role, and Tom Nardone would say "F!#* it, you're awesome!"  So I'll continue.  Tom is one of my favorite people. A Wise Man, is he, who finds the awesome in everything.  This particular man has a loving relationship with a chair, brings pizza to job interviews, and kills lawns like a champ.  My hero.  I know now, because of Tom, that my reality is true that Call of Duty take precedence over just about anything that tries to interrupt it.  I take solace in that.

His Wife, Yvonne, calls him a Bloggernaut.  This man is relentless in sharing his wealth of knowledge, and isn't afraid to admit it.  Yet, he's also not trying to hog the spotlight.  He willing helps others with blogs and personal issues, not discriminating.  His poetry is worth a read as well, and is at par with the rest of his blogs.  Most importantly, however, Tom Nardone is a man with a realistic interpretation of the ADHD Blogworld.

To hell with the world's most interesting man.  Tom Nardone is the world's most awesome man. Even so, he goes out of his way to promote his peers almost as much as he promotes himself.  Though I consider myself to be fairly mediocre as far as bloggers go, this is how Tom sees me:



Most importantly, he provides an accurate detail of the value of the crap in our lives. When you read his blog about used things being the best things, you'll see that he is so right.  I have been screwed by my house, and by my car...

Vacation blues

What you want from a vacation is not always what you get.   Family reunions, especially.  There are always those favorite relatives who couldn't make it.  That crazy aunt or uncle who drives everyone nuts (or is the life of the party).  One thing I've always loved, however, is the break from reality.  Drink a little more, eat a little worse, stay up a little later.

Not anymore.   This vacation, those last three things are getting cut short.  I suffer from tension headaches, and after regulating my sleep and diet for several months, I have found that I cannot simply stop and let loose just for a vacation.  Right now I'm typing this in bed on my smart phone because laying down equalizes my blood flow and relieves some of the tension in my head.  I can also work out or run l, allowing the endorphins to sort me out.  I plan to after this post.  The only other thing that works is Excedrine Tension Headache, or it's name brand equivalent.  This speaks volumes to the need, especially for someone with ADHD, to maintain a healthy balance of food, exercise,  and rest.  The problems we have without a healthy routine are not always just enhanced ADHD symptoms, but also physical symptoms.  So I will be ending this now with a question and a thought.

Thought: the hardest part about getting in shape and developing a healthy routine is the actual development.   Once you get started, your body will tell you when you get too far off track a lot of the time.

Question: does anyone else out there suffer from tension headaches or other  physical symptoms, and how do you link it to ADHD, if at all?

Tantrum: Revisited

Those of you who are not new readers know I have an internal nemesis named Tantrum.  For the newbies out there, I'll break it down real quick like.  Ever have those days where one thing after another goes wrong and you get so angry you start to take it out on everything and everyone around you?  Yes, well, maybe not.  Anyhow, I do, and I call this phenomenon Tantrum.  I find Tantrum is easier to combat when personified.

Tantrum struck hard this weekend.  I can't really go into the details, unfortunately, as I feel obligated to respect the privacy of those I was with this weekend who might read this and find it otherwise distasteful.  I digress...

tantrum struck hard.  I was not at home.  I had no "go-to" sanctuary to calm my mind and fight the battle.  so I fought Tantrum, in the open, in my mind, and fought so hard I was in tears for hours.  You might ask me "Andrew, why would you put yourself through this?"

Glad you asked.

ADHD is all in the mind.

Literally.  It's not made up, but it all takes place in the mind.  Mental health is just as important as physical health.
In the shadow of one of the most difficult days since I began this blog (meaning difficulties that are ADHD related) I am updating the blog with my work on becoming a healthier person. 

In recent days and weeks, I've battled to maintain a healthy diet.  I'd say I've done fairly well for the most part.  I've stopped losing weight, which is ok, because my clothes are still fitting more and more loosely, and my energy levels are better, so I know I'm still on the right path.  However, my mental health, as seen in my last blog, has been suffering a bit.  So now, along with eating well and trying to get out a few days a week and get some exercise, I'm going to start incorporating a little self awareness and meditation into my daily routine.  Just sitting quietly and listening to everything going on around me is like that first stretch in the morning.  All the muscles wake up, there's a big yawn, and I'm good to go.  I sit, lay, stand, whatever, and just listen to everything going on around me.  I can focus on anything and everything and just listen.  Then I turn that attention inward.  How am I feeling?  what aches?  Am I hungry?  Thirsty?  What's good for breakfast today?  just 5 or 10 minutes a day is enough, first thing in the morning, or at lunchtime at work, or even right before bed (great for getting to sleep)  Any thoughts or dreams, write them down.  Maybe blog about them :)

so you may see a few more abstract blog topics in weeks to come.  I'm on vacation next week, and doubt I'll be on the internet much, if at all.  If I am, it's probably just to upload photos.  Just as a break in your day is a good thing, to recharge your mind and keep a positive mental attitude; a vacation works just the same way, and everyone should take them!

Basket case

Anyone who's taken a break from their meds will get this...


I recently experienced a life-altering event.  I'm not sure why it's still affecting me, since it's over with, and life has gone on with no injury, torment, sadness, or any other insanity which would cause me duress.  Yet here I am, still unable to function.  It's started affecting my work life.  My blogging.  This morning I wrote and rewrote a blog 3 times, each time less cohesive than the last.  I am second guessing myself constantly.  I do not have the time or money to undergo any non-med treatment, and so it may come down to a decision to take up the ritalin coat of arms once more.


Essentially I feel like I did when I first tried to stop taking meds for my ADHD.  I attempted to quit cold turkey, and the effects were immense.  Concentrate?  What's that?  Focus?  yeah, right...

That's where I am now.  Luckily, I have well developed habits to get through the day.  Even so, I feel like I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth.  I have reverted back to focusing on people's lack of understanding my thought process.  I have created discussions and arguments where none were needed.  Much like the depression that sets in during the winter months, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. 

Of course I can maintain a facade.  I can act like everything's good.  Those who really have an "in" to my behaviours, however, know the truth.  My manager is one, for sure.  I've been making stupid mistakes regarding processes I've been doing since I started working here.  Mistakes that have no excuse. I'm mixing up my kids' names (more than usual), forgetting what I was saying mid sentence, and spacing out in the middle of conversations.  It's like I'm re-experiencing ADHD for the first time.  And it's exhausting.  It doesn't help that I've been depriving myself of sleep.  Luckily I've been eating fairly well, however I have reintroduced an unhealthy amount of sugar into my diet.  I still get a great balance of everything else I should have, especially Vegetables and fish.  If not for this, I'd be a complete Basketcase.  I feel like my mental functions are deteriorating. It's a helpless feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

 I wrote this Morning about semantics, word usage, choosing your battles, all somewhat tied together in my mind, evolved into 3 seperate attempts at 1 blog entry.  All of which disintegrated as I wrote.  I can't retain a thought.  I can't even tell you what I've done so far today at work.  I know I have been putting music on my phone (I lost my iPod) and I know I have a vacation which starts Thursday.  I can tell you the important stuff about my life, my job, my family... the things I've been thoroughly trained on.  Holding on to it while I explain, however, is difficult.  Typing this was difficult.  I started it 3 hours ago.  And now, 20 min after the last sentence, I've had to reread the whole thing to remember what my point is (if I even have one).

So I will leave it at this:  ADHD has been a pain in my ass lately.  That's pretty much all.  And when I put it that way, it seems easier to address. 

Has anyone heard of Ritalin?

"Has anyone out there had any experience with Ritalin?  My kid's doctor just put her on it and I'd like to know about side effects, etc."



This is not an uncommon question in ADHD circles.  It's always driven me nuts.  Until I was preparing to blog about it.  I would ask anyone who reads this to please share it with whomever it may apply to.

My initial rant was about how annoying it was to me that people would put their kids on meds BEFORE asking around about the medication.  As I was thinking about how to explain why, it dawned on me that, generally, these kids are young.  Parents are young.  The situation itself is new, confusing, and quite possibly scary.  Plus the parent has had the Dr's reassurance that this is the right thing to do.  Who thinks to tell the Dr "Hey I'd like some reading material and some time to think about this."  That said, I really can't say I blame anyone, however:

update

My Life with A.D.D/A.D.H.D.: My road to a Healthier life: Before I get into the meat of the topic, let me summarize the back story.  At the end of April, I went in for my yearly check up, and my blo...









Just a follow up on the blog posted above.



I have made it!  from now on I am and will continue to be the lightest/thinnest I've been in 10 yrs.  I did this mostly with maintaining a healthy diet, and now it's time to start working on getting stronger.

Nosey Nosey Nosey

Not only am I easily distracted,  I am INSANELY curious.  With ADHD, I constantly find myself picking up on other people's conversations.  When they interest me, of course, I become hyper focused and before you know it, I'm asking questions and giving my 2 cents!  Sometimes I get a weird look, others I get appreciation.  It's a toss-up.  When I see a squirrel running through a yard, It doesn't just distract me from a conversation I may be having.  I also have to watch the squirrel run through the yard, up the tree, across the branches to another tree... which would all be worthwhile if I could see a hawk swoop down and grab it.  But alas, nothing like that ever happens.

Master of the Lost Keys

I know, it probably seems like a silly title.  but imagine, if you will, He-Man, with all his might.  Now imagine that the only might he has is that he MIGHT know where his keys are.  That's what I envisioned when I renamed my fb page.  I often feel empowered by my ADHD, but in what way am I truly mighty?  I don't know anyone who can lose keys with the expertise I do. 

When my wife parks behind me and I have to leave before her in the morning, I would much rather just take her car than move it out of the way.  Unfortunately, this often means I have to wake her up to move it.  If I do it, there's a good chance I'll take her keys to work with me instead of putting them back where they go. 
The other side to this is that I have found various keys, not having a clue what they belong to.  last year I found the spare keys to a car I hadn't owned for several years! 

Honestly though, it's not just keys.  The worst is when you leave your kid in the car as you run into a store where your ex is dropping off your other kid.  I've done it.  It was for like 5 min, and I about vomitted when I realized what I had done.  That's the worst.  The worst ever.  I shudder thinking about it even now, 6 years later.

And on a less scary note, what's could be more frustrating than losing your glasses???  When you lose your keys, you don't need your keys to look for them (hopefully).  When you lose your wallet, you don't need your wallet to find it. but when you lose your glasses...

How are you supposed to see where they might have gone if you can't see without them? It's like looking for a flashlight in the dark...

Do you see the flashlight?

I am cursed with (I feel) the worst of the ADHD symptoms: Forgetfullness.  You could show me a baby picture of one of my kids, and I wouldn't be able to tell you who it is, just that it's my daughter.  You could ask me what I had for dinner last night, and unless I made it from scratch or REALLY enjoyed it or hated it, I probably wouldn't remember.  So of course, if things aren't put in a designated place, they could be lost forever.

In fact, there was more I was going to write in this entry, if only I could find my notes...

I am not disabled. Are you?

One hugely debated topic I've come across is whether or not ADHD is considered a disability. Considering that ADHD is more of a spectrum (having varying levels of intensity) I would imagine this would vary depending on the severity of the ADHD in an individual, and would ultimately depend on our idea of disability and what it means to be disabled.

What happens when we disable something?  When an alarm system is disabled, it no longer prevents entry.  When a Bomb is disabled, it can no longer go off. To me, being disabled means the inability to produce an expected action or result.

Scared Out of My Mind

One of my worst nightmares came true last weekend.  Someone very dear to me was in the hospital after suffering a heart attack.  It was my dad.  He is ok, and even after having a heart attack has a stronger heart than most people, but I was pretty scared.  And if you thought having ADHD could make me a basketcase, you ain't seen nothing!

I have not been able to focus to save my life.  I have been trying to cope with this huge event, and my mind ist still trying to wrap around the fact that this really happened, and thus having a hard time processing anything else. I have to wonder if I've just experienced something similar to the different between an "NT" and someone with ADHD? 

Even Shiny chickens and Bacon-loving Squirrels Think About the Meaning of Life

That's right, folks, it's the blog post you've all been waiting for: What is the meaning of life???  Why are we here?  We are born, taught how to eat. We learn to crawl, walk, run, skip, jump, drink, smoke, streak, dress professionally, invest... then we die.

I found myself thinking about this the other day (some day I'll upload all of my voice memos to myself regarding potential blog posts).   Mankind started living en-tandum with nature.  This is not another nature loving tree-hugging post.  Just saying, we used to coexist.  Now we farm.  It's a fact.  Moving on: at some pivotal point in our development (Mesopotamian domestication) the ancestors of Ancient Babylon (the actual location of the Tower of Babel, for you bible people) decided it was time (or they needed) to stop chasing herds and start domesticationg plants and goats.  They settled down and soon came to live in huts, then clay buildings, then hotels and skyscrapers.  Living was the meaning of life.  Eat, sleep, make the babies, grow the food, die.  Then, someone lived a little too long, or had a little too much time on their hands, and began to ponder life.  Why are we here?

Bumper Sticker Ignorance

Bumper stickers.  They are everywhere.  I saw one the other day that said "Worst President Ever"

yep, this is the one.  No slave owning, war mongering, cheating president was ever worse.

It got me thinking: Do you really, as a person, want to put your opinions out there like that?  Then again, it's the ultimate "F* you, I win" "Last word" scenario.

Field Trip Nightmares

I don't recall the exact moment I began to hate field trips.  As far back as I can remember, they were a source of anxiety for me.  I did not know how to act around my fellow students without the structure and oversight of a classroom environment.  The last fieldtrip I remember going on was in 1st or 2nd grade, to a small theme park in Southern California.  I don't even remember what it was like.  Then there was the nightmarish "6th Grade Camping trip".  I made a cool little leather something-or-other, stamped with a bull.  Everything else sucked.  I would get this pent up energy and have no idea what to do with it.  Being the new kid (I had just moved to IL from California at the begining of that school year) it was already difficult to fit in, and being a goofball on top of that... well, that camping trip put the fear of fieldtrips in me for good. 


 




my first photo edit attempt is almost as sad as the face I'm making LOL

    

"Can" Doesn't Mean "Should"

Pet Peave # 165: calling a service provider from your car.

OK people, I understand that it is legal to talk on your cell phone if you are hands free and yada yada yada.  Got it.  This does not make your vehicle your home office.  When something is wrong with your internet, your utility bill, car note, etc, you will need a few things that are hard to come by while driving.  Your policy #.  A pen and paper.  The ability to focus on the conversation instead of trying not to rear end the car in front of you...  The drive home is a time to focus on driving.  If you have to call someone to feel productive, call a friend.  Don't call someone you need to have an important conversation with, especially if you have an account manager, case worker, claim adjuster, etc., who's information you will need to write down.  Don't make a call that would require you to have a policy, contract, or bill in front of you.  Not only are you being completely counter productive, the person who takes your call will take you for a moron.  plain and simple.


So you call your insurance company, for example, regarding the roof damage and subsequent interior water damage from last week's storms.  This is important stuff, right?  but you call while you're in the car.  So your claim# isn't handy.  You are calling with questions regarding your claim (which sounds stupid to say, since you have a claim, and you're calling your insurance company's claim dept, but it's exactly what you're going to say when I answer...)

Hi Andrew, I have a question regarding my claim.  (I hope so, since that's about all I can help you with).  I don't have any of my information with me, and I'm driving.  What do you need in order to help me?

The Illness that Can't be Seen

The Semantics and criticism involved in AD(H)D amaze me.  So many choose to nitpick over so much.  It's an illness/disease.  It's a disorder.  It's a Spectrum.  It exists.  It doesn't exist.  For those of us who are diagnosed with either ADD and/or ADHD, this one thing is constant: It's real.

I will save the Illness/disorder/spectrum discussion for another post, and probably another blogger LOL.  But here's a story about what's real.


I was diagnosed with ADD at the age of 5.  My grandmother, being the old school rockstar she was, denied the existence of ADD and believed I just needed rigid discipline.  Lots of people with ADD see positive results with devout religious structure, joining a convent or other religious order (monks etc).  Others see great results in the military.  Discipline and a rigid schedule can go a long way.  I, however, was 5 years old.  Grandma had her work cut out for her. 

Forget about nesting in the tree of normalcy and soar with the clouds.

What's it like to be free;
     To perch in the tree
Of normalcy with the flock?
     To not be mocked?

I sit here, locked in a cage.
     Enclosed in cast-iron rage.
On a stage I'm acting cool
     Trying to follow the rules.

The spirit inside wants to be free
But the key is unknown to me.
My ADD is nothing wrong

(Freedom)

My cage's key
Was inside of me
All along.

This is what it's like to go from not fitting in, and the pretense of normalcy, to realize there is nothing wrong with being an oddball.  That realization is the key to living a free life. Once you stop trying so hard to stop being yourself  and start focusing on just doing the best you can, you realize what you are capable of and start living a satisfying life. The only acceptance you need is your own.

We all have it in ourselves to be free.

My road to a Healthier life

Before I get into the meat of the topic, let me summarize the back story.  At the end of April, I went in for my yearly check up, and my blood work came back with some less than desireable results.  I have been trying to motivate myself to live a healthier lifestyle, and this was the kick in the nuts I needed.  My Dr. told me I have a fatty liver, and my cholesteral has skyrocketed.  Now, my Dr. is a pretty laid back guy.  I am used to his usual speech: "you're still young, and while you're a bit over weight, it's not terrible." He'd give me some suggestions to change my health for the better, and say that whether I do them is my business.  This time, not so much.

Timestamp

Do you ever look back and think about all the mistakes (especially the more "life altering" ones) you've made and wonder what the "you" of the past would think of what you became, and how you live your life now?  I used to love to write poetry.  It all sounded fairly corny or dramatic (I was a teenager, it's to be expected).  I recently came across my writing from way back when.  Reading it, I sort of re-entered the mindframe of the young Andrew who wrote this and that.  What I was thinking then, and how silly I now find the emotions I had then.  Interestingly, thinking about how I dealt with things in the past; how much importance I placed on things that, today I realize, didn't really matter that much, I wonder how the me in another 15-20 years will look at my life now.  Then I realized, I don't really write much these days (I'm really just getting into it, this blog is only about 7 months old).  I have pictures from my teenage years, but none really from my late teens-early tweens.  So I began playing with my pictures, coming up with new images like this one:

Music and Motivation. with a side of bacon.

I've mentioned before that I find motivation in Music.  I listen to various genres, but mostly classic rock and metal.  I recently came across a perfect song for my running playlist: My Curse, by Killswitch Engage. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPW9AbRMwFU

now, I'm normally picky about my preferred music, and one hard to bypass guideline is I need to understand the words.  So listen to the song (link above) while you read on.

  Imagine you are running.  Determined.  Angry. Amped.  This song comes on in your headphones.  You've been mad at yourself for letting poor health get the best of you.  All this pent up energy, waiting to explode.  You fall into the beat.  The guitar guides you through your thoughts.  You don't even realize you are running faster, breathing harder.  The more the song picks up, the less focused you are on the lyrics, letting the sounds just wash over you.  You fight the urge to stomp you feet into the ground with the line "THIS IS MY CURSE" and as the song goes on you can feel it.  You don't feel tired.  You only know the energy of the music, and the rhythm of your breathing.  By the end of the song, you've run almost a mile.  Before the song came on, you were thinking of stopping.

This is what a song can do for me.  It's like self-medicating (another popular topic in the ADD/HD sector).  Just enough distraction to maintain focus on the task at hand, but at the same time full of the same anger and energy that I am.  Whatever soreness I was feeling recedes to the back of my mind, overpowered by the auditory stimulation.  I can only process so many things, and my body's movement and the sound of music are the easiest to focus on. 

Now take another song.

Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Moon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLOth-BuCNY

The song takes over a minute to fully pick up.  At which point, it's ultra soothing.  Now if you're hiking in the woods, or going for a light jog, and are completely happy or immensely high, this song is great.  I cannot run and listen to this song.  At. All.  But, I can relax.  oh yeah.  I can sit in a chair, close my eyes, and experience all the different components of this song.  Not afraid to care, just like the 2nd line says.  I can imagine the rabbit running, I can imagine the end of work, only to find there's more work to be had.  I can essentially reflect on life, and the continuous cycles it contains.  This song motivates me... to do absolutely nothing.  And the type of auditory stimulation emulates complete relaxation.  It's like I'm being programmed to chill out.

Some people might be reading this and think "yeah, that's pretty much what listening to music is like for anyone".  I disagree.  When I was medicated, music, food, even cigarettes and alcohol, really did nothing for me.  Sure I liked listening to music, but didn't need to to run.  As I came off Medication, I found the ONLY way I could complete my homework was to have something to snack on or music to listen to.  The music fills an empty part of my being, allowing me to focus on what I need to.  Depending on the type of music, it can also provide the extra adrenaline or excitement to get things done more quickly or more aggressively.  It literally becomes a part of me.

  I don't just hear it with my ears, I feel it. 

I can't think of an effective way to end this, so:

The bacon song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3DAjQhChRs

support: empathy vs advice; its a matter of perception

Please keep in mind while reading this, it is meant as my observation only, and with the utmost respect for the groups I am a part of, both in the world of Google+ and Facebook (does Myspace even exist anymore???)


I have heard that Men generally are inclined to give advice, and want advice, whereas women tend to prefer empathy, to give and receive.  I have to say this must be changing.  I have recently noticed that when women share their concerns in a group of supportive friends, the female responders are really split down the middle.  Some provide words of encouragement, while others provide advice.  As this progresses, I noticed, there is sometimes blow back to these responses.  Sometimes the initial post was to seek understanding and empathy, and the advice is considered, more or less, to be cold or bossy (I don't come here to be told what to do).  Sometimes, the poster says something about how much they Appreciate the advice (Thanks, I never would have thought of that!).

I just used women as an example, the results are pretty much the same for men.  Some guys tend to respond with an "I feel your pain" response, while others tend to respond with a more "try this and you'll get results" approach.  I will say the only real difference I noticed between genders is that men tend to be more direct with their response, either empathetic or advisory.

Blog of inappropriate proportions (adult content)

What is appropriate?  It has been confirmed by many that I have a faulty filter.  Yet, I might argue that my filter is better than most peoples'.  Think of this: My mind thinks of more inappropriate things than most peoples.  I'll agree to that.  Yet of those inapporpriate ideas, I share very little.  A select view will know I'm all about "What she said", toilet humor, and adult nonsense.  Here's an examply of what I don't share:

I mean, that's funny, but I wouldn't want my parents to see it.  (well, too late, now that it's here).  The point is, there are times when I'm not considerred the most professional individual out there.  Some people embrace my sense of humor, and thus I have an outlet. 

Maybe you can relate?  Maybe you've had those times (probably several if you have ADD) when you were caught up in the moment with a group of friends and just spouted off the first funny thing that came to mind, and not one person found it funny.  It's like if I were talking to a few churchy people, who were engaged in the drama of the local congregation, when I put my 2 cents in:

An Interesting Conversation With my Shirt

carrying on the trend of trying to create for myself a healthy lifestyle, I had an interesting conversation this morning.  With my running shirt.

My wife woke me up this morning with a nudge, to tell me my alarm is going off.  This, of course, is why I have an alarm.  so she knows when to wake me up.  I hit snooze on the alarm, and she wakes me a gain 5 minutes later.  I turn the alarm off and begin the daily surrender to sleep. I roll to the side, and I'm staring at my clothes (in one of various piles of clean laundry neatly stacked against the wall waiting to finish the journey to my drawers).  There's my running shirt.  It's staring right back at me.  "dude, WTF happened to you?"it asks.

Seriously?

Before I can respond I am bombarded with tirade and reverie.

College: What does four years really get you?

The topic of school came up today, and I've been thinking about my current course of study.  The genereal course.  One which does not require specific foreign language classes, or high level math (which to me is calculus and statistics).  A Bachelor Degree of General Studies.  I like to call it A Degree of Distraction.  (ADD, perfect!)

College, for me, was always a point of internal conflict.  Because I looked at it wrong.  I wanted to get out of retail.  I knew that for sure.  I had doubts that a journalism degree would get me something I enjoyed that paid well (I like to write, obviously, but for fun, under no pressure to perform).  Law and Medicine just weren't worth the time involved.  I thought for sure that a business major was the only way to go.  Which required Business Statistics (Which I managed to pass with a C for my AA) and business Calculus (the only class I have ever failed, luckily I was able to withdraw before getting stuck with an F on my transcipt), along with who know what additional accounting and economics classes (Accounting: one of few topics I have ever managed to get a C in...).  As you can see I'm very Grade Oriented, and anxious about trying to learn things that hold 0 appeal.  So I pretty much forgot about college and set forth to work for a living.    So here I was, 3 years ago, knowing that if I want to be promoted very far within my current company (which I happen to like), I would need a degree. 

Here's where the politics of College really started to become clear to me.

More Accountability Soup

original thread: My Life with A.D.D/A.D.H.D.: Accountability and soup:



So here we are, a week or so later.  I have been for a few runs.  I have been watching my diet more closely (still needs improvement, but I'm getting there).  I ate terribly on Easter Sunday, but what I gained, I have lost (this with an INCREASE in water consumption). The plan to wake up when I wake up instead of trying to maximize sleep time seems to be working well.  my heaviest since the blog linked above was 216lbs.  I am now at 206.  I'm sure much of that is muscle weight, though, as I'm still having a hard time sticking to just protein and veggies.  The Dr. says I have a fatty liver and have to limit carbs and sugar, and stick to berries, leafy greens, and proteins.  Those who know me know I have a hard time staying away from ANY kind of food, and this remains true for breads, candy, and chips.



It's a work in progress, more to come in the next week or so.

I think I should find some way to make this a regularly scheduled program... like Taco Tuesday.  only no tacos.

Pamper me, I'm sick!

Sick men turned babies.

It's a topic we've all seen at least once.  In a meme, silly picture, or wifely rant.

In a nutshell it's like this: Men are macho and manly and can take on the world, until we're sick.

The Procrastinator

Here we are again.  Monday.  No one's favorite day to work except me.  Except, for some reason, I'm just not feeling it today.  I have 3 papers to write and 2 midterms to prepare for, all to be completed by next Monday.  Usually the high volume of work couple with preparation for night class keep me motivate on Mondays.  I've written about super powers, hyper focus... today they have eluded me. 

Today I am the Procrastinator.  Destroyer of deadlines.  Distractor of the mind.  I have unleashed the beast that is ... what was I saying?


I can't focus on anything.  I'm having a hard time with just "Thank you for calling *_____ my name is Andrew, How can I help you today?"

The office is out of coffee.  I'm pretty sure that has something to do with it.

I overloaded on Sugar this weekend, so that might be contributing too. 

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm so nervous about the upcoming deadlines, that it's the deadlines themselves, with the associated anxiety, that are leeching the thoughts from my mind as they occur...

Whatever the case, I'll figure it out later.

The run: backstory. When do I get to sleep?

A fellow blogger (who, I might add, is a pleasure to read) brought up lack of sleep yesterday.  Strangely, it pinged on everyone who read it.  What is this magical force keeping us all tossing and turning?  I promised I would keep everyone posted on my little experiment.  I committed to stay up when I woke up at all the wrong hours this morning.  I did.  I committed to go for a run, and I did.  I got the family out the door, went to work, did some homework between calls and Facebook.  Came home, snacked a bit, and am watching my fourth consecutive episode of Agents of Shield as I write this.  at 11:15 pm.  Been up since 5:30 and I'm totally wired.  I'm going to finish this episode and hopefully be tired.  Because I am definitely tired of watching endless Toyota and Chevy commercials on Hulu.

Next update will be the results of this LONG day on my sleep.  I will see if I sleep through the night and into the morning.  And I will probably write some kind of short blurb about it then.

Stay posted!  And Jackie: Thank you for writing a blog worth reading :)

http://indecisivelyblogging.blogspot.com/


Check it out and get her some readership!

The Run: a story of perspective

The Run version 1.0

Awake at 5:30 am.  Do I toss and turn for another hour or so like I did yesterday?  Nah, The Dr. says I need to exercise more, might as well get up and go for a run.  It's chilly outside, but not so bad that I'll need a jacket.  Throw on a sleeveless shirt under my black running shirt, my shorts, some good socks, shoes, and I'm out the door.  I have a loop around my half of the neighborhood (the hood is like a sort of sick figure eight) which is just over 1 mi.  Once around ought to do it.  

Gimme a break!

Many of us need to take breaks.  The day is best digested one bite at a time.  So here I am, taking a break from my homework, updating my blog.  It seems like no matter what I do, when I take a break from something, it is hard to get that focus back.  However, I have noticed that when I write an entry in my blog, I can more easily transition back into homework.  Maybe it's because I'm still thinking analytically? 

Semantics: Life long diets and ever-changing lifestyles

A pet peave for many of us.  What does Semantics even mean?  According to Dictionary.com:


the meaning, or an interpretation of the meaning, of a word, sign, sentence, etc.: Let's not argue about semantics.

No, Dictionary.com, let's argue about it...  I was reading a friend's status online regarding a change in diet.  Another person commented that diets don't work, it has to be a lifestyle change; completely discrediting my friend's efforts.

WTF, right?
Let's think about this:

Accountability and soup

How does one hold themselves accountable in this day and age, with so many distractions?  So many opportunities to stray from or procrastinate with a commitment? 

My Accountability Deficit Disorder has always been best handled when someone else holds me accountable.  Obviously, as a grown man, this is a problem.  My wife is not my babysitter (though she may feel like it sometimes), neither is my boss, or anyone else for that matter.  While that would make my life easier, that is not the way the world works. 

I could try an ADD/HD coach...?  I will definitely put a pin in that idea and revisit it in the future.

I want to be able to hold myself accountable, and I can't if I rely on everyone else all the time.  Right?  Right.


Here's a picture:

So, the point (which I actually remembered!) is this:

Manic Monday, or Super Me

It's odd how I get the most done on the busiest day of the week.  Wait, let me rephrase that, it's kind of a "duh" statement.

It's odd that, while at work, on Monday, the busiest day for us, I get the most non-work-related stuff done.

Maybe it's the Manic Monday mindset.  We as average m-f 9-5'ers are accustomed to "The Mondays."  We expect to have a lot to do, and a strong desire to not work, which we will have to set aside and get things done.  Is that same "Deal with it" attitude associated with surviving Monday also making it easier to focus on schoolwork and life?

Foot in mouth

Having ADD/HD, I don't alway just say things I shouldn't.  I do things I shouldn't.  Or rather, I don't do things I should.  Or the way I should. 

Ever get in a mood and start writing things or doing things or saying things you want to do (I hear this referred to as motivation...), but then you look back and you're like "Shit, why on EARTH did I commit to this?" 

My wife married Ritalin

There's been talk of meds lately.  Of course.  It's a big topic.  I just wrote about it myself the other day.  I was thinking about meds and my recent presentation (see today's other blog) and life before meds.  My thoughts wandered and before I knew it I was thinking about my wife.  This is not uncommon, as I couldn't possibly have gotten where I am today without her.  I was thinking of my needs and expectations as a husband, and how our relationship has changed over the years.  She has to provide a lot more guidance now than she did before.  I realized that I expect this from her and think that expectation is totally fair.  I mean, she's my wife, right?  Well, she is my wife, but the rest is all wrong.
When we dated I was medicated.  When we married, I was medicated.  When we conceived our children, I was medicated.  I was in control with the help of meds.  I'm not medicated any more, and thus do not have the control I once had.  She knows this, only too well.

Don't take advantage of your loved ones.  The family you were born with, the family you choose... they are all you have when it all comes down to it.  I have nothing without my friends and family.  They are my meds.  They are my motivation.  I wish I could take back so much, because so much happens when I lose control.

My huge helping of Awesome Sauce

Awesome. 

It's typically a dish served best by Tom Nardone (if you don't know who that is, you don't know awesome).  I digress...

I'm taking 3 classes this semester.  2 online and one that meets 1ce a week in a classroom.  My Monday night classroom-meeting-class has a presentation for each student, mine was due last night.  Over the weekend, I was wrapping up my preparations for my presentation, and asked the teacher for some additional photos to help support my topic.   She advised me this was not the way she had meant for me to take the topic, and that I won't be able to present.  Essentially she had sent me an email specifying her expectations as she had with presenters before me, and that email apparently did not send.  As this is an ongoing problem she has been having with her computer system at home, she assumed complete responsibility and offered to let me present on a different topic later in the semester.  I told her that I have mild anxiety issues, and asked her to clarify her expectations to see what I could come up with by the end of the day.   My mind's kitchen ran amuck looking for the perfect Ingredients,  throwing together the perfect mixture and after letting it simmer, BAM! AWESOME SAUCE.

4 hours later I had a completely different presentation than what I had spent 2 weeks researching and developing,  I went to class, served up a bowl to everyone, and they all asked for more.  I can't say it was perfect, but I did well.  If there's one thing that's always been true for me it's this: give me a deadline and project, and I will lose sleep over it until it's due.  Tell me at the last minute (totally not her fault, don't get me wrong) that I have it wrong and won't be able to present as planned, and I will likely vomit.  But I will also throw together a completely functional work in just hours and will present the hell out of it!

FEEL THE AWESOME!

If this doesn't deserve some bacon, I don't know what does!

Crazy Manic Hungry Thoughful Helpful Tired Hyper Confused Regretful. And then there was Ritalin.

What does ADHD feel like?  You know, I can count on one hand the number of people who have ever asked me that.  I always hope this blog will enlighten people who want to know, and there are certainly those whom I want to know me better, but in the end, I have come to rely on this blog more for my own sanity.

Right now. 

It's 5pm (ish) and I'm friggin Manic.  I am Crazy.  I am hungry, thoughtful,  oh wait... you read the title?  Perfect. 

Moving along...

Squirrel: The return

No, this is not a sequel, as I forgot to write the first one.  Fitting, right?

What is it about squirrels that is so relate-able to those with A.D.D. and AD/HD (yes, I like the rock n roll abbreviation more)?  It's the squirrel demeanor.  Darting here and there.  Seemingly without a plan.  Sometimes social, sometimes scared beyond words.  There is also

Dreams of Battle

Last night I was a warrior.  I went to sleep in my bed, and woke up in Ancient Mesopotamia.  I fought battles side by side with a man I called my brother, and eventually we became two generals in a great army.  We were friends, and equally vicious on the battle field.  Eventually, we became the leaders of our own armies.  And somehow,  became enemies.  The end of the dream was my sword through his belly and a knife through his jaw into his brain.  I died of heartache after.  And woke up.

I have heard that people with ADD and ADHD are very creative, but have never been able to tap into my creative side, except when I sleep.  I have amazingly detailed dreams.  They are sometimes funny.  Sometimes sad.  I have had horrific dreams of my children dying, and unsettling dreams of flying.  Dreams of love, dreams of anger.  My dreams are almost always gone from my memory within a few minutes of waking up.   But sometimes the images stick with me, like the death of my fellow soldier, and seeing myself as though from the viewpoint of a different person, letting go in sorrow, dying alone with my best friend and enemy.  In the time it took me to write this, all the other images of the dream are gone from my mind.  That creativity has gone dormant again, and so it is time to go back to bed and wake it.

Mania

So I am having one of THOSE days.  You know what I'm talking about...  I can't stop moving.  Talking. Typing.  Liking FB posts.  Sharing FB posts...  Posting fb posts (yes I spend my idle time on Facebook if you haven't noticed). 

What's my motivation?

 

This is a previously written post that I felt I did a poor job with.  It was inspired by a response I had via facebook, and I don't feel I did that response justice.  My comments reflect how I relate to that feedback I had received, and has been changed to be more of a response, in style.  I'm still getting the hang of all this, so thanks for your patience.  I am sure many can understand, given the circumstances ;)

 

 The only time I'm motivated to get stuff done is when I've let it go so long that I'm mad enough to blast through it, or when someone's going to be visiting.  Either way, things get to the point that they are frustrating.  If there is no company coming over, and a kitchen full of dishes, I still want to get it done.  But there's this force inside that says "meh, no one else is doing it, why should you?"

The answer is this: Because I'm the one who wants it done, at least in that particular moment.

Pills do not provide motivation.  This is absolute, to me.  Pills gave me the ability to focus.  To concentrate.  My motivation, however, came from my parents, my teachers, my coach.  Now it comes from my parents and my managers at work.  It comes from my readers and friends.  It does not come from within.  Sometimes I feel like I need a babysitter to follow me around and make sure I stay on task.  I've said before that Freedom is perhaps the worst thing to happen to a young adult with ADHD.  It's addicting!

The best trick I ever learned was to get mad at myself to be motivated to do something.  I care about the state of my home, and my relationship with my family.  And I hate myself for not being the person I constantly wish I was.  It's not for lack of desire.  I know there are other's out there who feel like this!  You are not alone!

The power of the mind is, well, powerful!  It's harnessing that power that is the hard part.  Routine, routine, routine.  Structure is crucial.  I don't need a Dr. or Psych. or shrink to tell me that.  I have only to look back on my life, the times I had structure, and the times i didn't, and see the difference.

As always, thanks for reading!

"Pineapple Bacon Skewers" or "Spring is Coming"

I've been watching the weather all day.  Snow is no biggie, right?  Those of us who survived the groundhog day blizzard in chicago a few years ago scoff at this dusting.  Then I get an email from my NIU instructor. 

Class is cancelled

my favorite squirrel picture

I think a lot of poeple consider complaints about Winter to be annoying.  'Why can't people just suck it up?  It happens every year, right?'  Here's my take:  I LOVE winter.

the ADHD Zone: Captain WTF

Welcome to this evening's edition of "Andrew's blog goes manic". 

Imagine if you will, another dimension, where time and space exist differently.  You don't understand the world around you, and everything you experience affects you in ways it shouldn't, in ways others would frown upon.  You have just entered "The ADHD Zone".

 (Cue the Music)

Romance and Onions

What's the point of Valentine's day?  Why have one day out of the year designated to love?  To support Hallmark and Chocolatiers everywhere?  So many people this time of year shun the decorations and celebrations.

Here's my thinking.  Valentine's day is on the 14th of February.  You're all with me on that, right?  Good.  The 14th in the crux of our discussion.  See, to me, 14 tastes like onions.

Get over it

Some of the best advice I've ever given, or been given, is to get over it.  Granted, usually this is said with the least possible amount of tact, in the end, it is the best advice to follow 99% of the time.

Last night, I went to bed practically shaking with anger.  After a rough discussion through social media messaging (one of the worst ways to have an important conversation, but since I initiated it there, there it remained) I was told to "Get over it."  I was pretty upset.

The winter Blahs

When I began this blog, my intent was to capture all the many facets that make up my life, and how they are especially ADHD affected.  I want to also make it a point not to turn this into a pity party for myself when I'm feeling down.

That said, I can't very well capture the true essence of my ADD/ADHD life without touching the less appealing aspects of my character.  Lately I have been pretty out of touch with that little spark of insanity that helps me power through life.  I get this way every winter, it seems, and it's been getting worse every year.

One thing that I've admitted to in the past is my own guilt in my lack of routine, and the Sloth and Gluttony that have gripped my life and are slowly drowning me in self-pity and disappointment.

Today I was a cave man

Today I was a caveman. 

We all have those days where something triggers the imagination and we become residents in another reality.  Today I was in the restroom at work and noticed a faint odor, combined with the fact that several of the stalls were occupied.  As I joined the occupants in a stall of my own, I found myself wondering "Wouldn't it be nice if we could all crap in the open air, allowing our scent to spread? A source of pride, but also relief as it would not remain and stagnate."  Suddenly, I was a cave man.

I envision myself similarly to Ugg from "The Croods."  Here I am, finishing a giant egg I had to search all day for, when I realize those berries I found in the cat droppings, while very stimulating, also didn't mix too well with egg.

Almost...

Almost isn't my nemesis, it's my enabler.  Almost is the gateway through which Tantrum haunts me.  I can work on something long enough that almost done becomes done enough.  I can see the sink.  That's improvement, right?  but by tonight I'll be overwhelmed, with no energy to finish.

The Dishes are Almost done

Who am I? Who are you?

I wrote all of this, then realized I did not specify what, exactly, I'm talking about.  That's part of how my ADHD gets away from me.  I am... confused (For lack of a better word) by the level of readership of my blog, and where readership is lacking (where I anticipated the most readers to come from actually comprises the smallest portion of regular readers)


So not everything about having ADHD is a learning experience.  There are some times when I reflect not on myself, but on those around me.  I find myself mildly frustrated (Tantrum is still far from taking over) at what I see and hear from my friends and family.  I have, in general, gotten a positive response regarding this blog...    From those who read it.

There in lies my concern.  I suppose I can look at this two ways: